I can’t afford a security system so I’ve just stopped greasing the hinges on my doors
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A good man is hard to find, but a babysitter for Friday night is harder.
Exactly like a tissue box dispenser, except for cold cuts.
GF: You cant keep it.
ME: But-
G: Its a BEE.
M: HES my FRIEND!
G: Hand him over.
M: No! [tearing up] I wont let you hurt Albuzz Bumbledore!
Just ran into Björk walking into her hjötel. Ljöking fjörward to her show at Pitchfjörk tjönight (hjöly shit my Icelandic is pjërfect).
ME: I will now pull a rabbit out of my cat
MAGICIAN TEACHER: omg what have you done
Get off of twitter and pay attention to me
Netflix, probably
[covered in olive oil, salt, pepper and other herbs and spices]
Professor: “That’s just not what I meant when I said “come prepared”…”
[me going to literally any sporting event] i better wear my sneakers in case they need another player
Hey did you guys hear me do that pushup?
Oh you’ve jumped out of an airplane? Well, I’ve run down the stairs in SOCKS, so I think we’re even
[ER visits, by age]
Doctor: How did this happen?
Me at 24: I was trying to dunk a basketball.
Me now: I was reaching for my glasses.
In Mexico, it’s considered bad luck to be decapitated by a helicopter
A million dollars to the person who invents a GPS that says “turn right at the Taco Bell” because what tf is 400ft?
Apparently, I have to go to the pet store because my wife is angry that I put the wrong gold fish in my kid’s packed lunch.
It’ll never work, we have very different definitions of words like talented, celebrity, amazing and intelligent.
Any animal that has a face CAN SPEAK. They’re just being stubborn.
If you turn your head back and forth really fast you can see your ears.
yall pray for me, nothing’s wrong im just in college
[staff meeting]
Boss: Does anyone have any questions?
Me: *raises hand*
Boss: Candy
Me: Does anyone care if I take the last blueberry muffin?
[after losing a rap battle]
me: I didn’t realize how much rhymed with jorts
My super power is being that person in all your crowd selfies staring directly into your camera.
Always
Me: I’m finally letting myself go gray
Dermatologist: you really need some sun
There’s a woman at breakfast with a mink purse. I guess it’s important to skin an animal alive to keep your credit cards warm… Idiot
Her: You’re a pathological liar!
Me: …and the King of Spain.
Creeper: ‘I know what you did last summer.’
Me: ‘And you think you can make it suck even more?’
Dongle sounds like just one more thing in Australia that will kill you.
[Patient room]
ME: …so that’s why I need to drain the abscess on your leg
PATIENT: What’ll it feel like?
ME: Honestly, it feels amazing & truly gratifying knowing that I’ve been able to help someone in a dark time
PATIENT: No, I meant for me
ME: Oh. It’s gonna hurt like hell
[doing an identification at the coroner’s office]
It’s not her; my wife has a head.
She’s a 10 which makes it hard for her to find decent shoes.