If Jesus appears to you, ask him to bevel cut a jack rafter onto a door header. If he doesn’t know what you mean, that’s an imposter Jesus.
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Clearly I have no shame but thanks for asking. You must be new here.
[In Bed]
Her: You feeling spicy tonight?
Me: Imma be honest. At best I’m a Honey BBQ on the Buffalo Wild Wings chart.
Attn people who run in dark clothes at night,
I don’t have THAT much car insurance.
Her: Has anyone ever told you that you’re a narcissist?
Me: Many times. What can I say? Nobody’s perfect.
Except for me, obviously.
[Deathbed]
Me: Don’t put me in the wrong burial plotSon: Dad stop it, I’m never turning this life support off!
Me: because that would be…a grave mistake lol
Son: So is it this switch here or
When I found out WAP didn’t mean wealth and prosperity I really regretted my comment in my niece’s graduation card 🤦🏼♂️
A poor analogy is like a bad comparison
Why couldn’t the pirates play cards?
The captain was standing on the deck.
#CardPlayingDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
What do we want?
An end to auto-correct errors!
When do we want it?
Cow!
Sow!
Bow!
Tow!
Duck this!
falsely accusing someone of being a contrarian is absolutely brutal. what can they say to that
Writing without pants on is a simple pleasure.
Shame I can’t go back to Starbucks though.
Marriage is one person sitting on the couch eating Cheetos while the other looks for the remote because she can’t hear the TV
A couple of years ago, I convinced my son I don’t know how to clap. He’s been trying to teach me ever since. I’m hoping I can keep this going til I stand up and slow clap during his high school graduation
Inventor of numbers: No, see they never end. You can always add 1 to the previous number
People: What the
Inventor of the alphabet: I told you guys you should’ve let me handle it.
She’s got a great personality!
It’s the other 6 personalities that I’m worried about….
Prepare your kids for social media by putting their artwork on the fridge and writing a bunch of mean comments under it.
I was the only one who would bake with my grandmother. When she died she left her best recipe to everyone except she deliberately left out a crucial step as payback. That’s the level of petty I aspire to.
[fight scene – me and a murderer kick a gun across the room and grapple for it]
me: [reaching under couch] shit
murderer: let me try i have longer arms
me: you do not
murderer: do too. stand up
[we measure arm length]
me: wow
murderer: yeah i got like a 6’3” wingspan
This Independence Day please remember that fireworks are not a toy, they are meant to be aimed at the nearest British ship.
Done with work today.
The work day isn’t over, I’m just done with it
her: your frog jokes are terrible
me: so i’ve been toad, jen
I’m sorry I threw up on your kid but to be fair, he threw up on me first.
That’s me in the corner eating beef gravy with a fork
I’ve reprogrammed my FitBit to allow for more me time. And by reprogram, I mean I’ve attached it to the leg of a deer.
I was born to run.
He died doing what he loved: being alive
The new employee manual at work mislabeled “casual Friday” as “cannibal Friday” & sadly we lost poor Dorothy before anyone could stop Fred.
Moms. The original autocorrect.
Watching JAWS and really identifying with the shark
Him: You seem super chill.
Me: You seem like a bad judge of character.
You know you’ve ordered too much take-out when they give you three sets of plastic utensils.