Who taught this was a good idea? The backbreaker.
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“This is all water! Now that was misleading”
-Pedophile who found the fountain of youth.
merlin: whoever pulls the sword from the stone is the true king
arthur: oh, this sword?
merlin: by my beard.. what is your first order, my liege?
arthur: table
merlin: what?
arthur: [right in his face] and that shit better be a circle
Fitted sheet? You should see me try and fold a thong.
I’m generally an honest person, but if you ask me when I last washed my hair, I will lie like a rug, a rug that hasn’t been shampooed in 6 days.
My friend just brought me a coffee and I started crying bc it was such a sweet and small but genuine act of kindness and she was like “I’m your waitress, you literally just ordered this” and that is just classic her I love her so much
Do men in Antarctica wake~up with morning popsicle???
Mrs Lemon: hi honey. Good day at work?
Mr Lemon: awful. Care for some homemade lemonade?
Mrs Lemon: where… where are the kids?
Those traps inside ancient temples still work after thousands of years but you sit on your ear buds ONE time…
Stop saying ‘happy anniversary to my partner in crime.’
You do not commit crimes. You shop at Costco
Dracula is never rebooted, merely revamped
No, I’m not dressing up as something sexy. I’m sexy 364 days of the year. I’m dressing up as the Predator.
yeah jesus turned water to wine, but yankee doodle turning a feather in a hat to macaroni is next level
“Have you tried just letting go?” Me as a therapist
“Whatever you do, don’t let go!” Me as a part-time mountain climbing instructor
Was a bad day at the office the time I mixed those two up…
Remember to check on elderly neighbours in this hot weather, as they usually have ice creams in the freezer.
Thanksgiving fact: Giblets are just Grandma speak for the gross stuff.
Serious talk at the office of replacing me with an air-fryer.
I don’t know who needs to hear this*, but vinegar isn’t a condiment
*The British. The British need to hear this
Zookeeper: This panda is on the rampage and I only have 1 tranquilizer dart
Me: it’s pandamonium!
Zookeeper: [shoots me right between the eyes]
One day a guy named Matt banged a waitress and nine months later a mattress was born haha just messin around on this website.
I’ve got an aggressive turkey named Winston. While he was in the outside run, I went into the coop to fix the tray on his food dish. The wind blew the door shut and the latch is locked from the outside.
If you don’t hear from me again notify Stephen King of this novel idea.
German couples probably have less arguments because there’s an exact word for, “I’m fine, just annoyed you forgot the milk again”
If you want my kids to actually act thankful on Thanksgiving serve kraft mac n cheese, goldfish and apple
juice.
3: *looking up at the lights* what’s that mummy?
me: they’re lights
3: no I mean the spirits in front of them
me:
me:
me:
3: what’s for dinner
Thinking about getting married? My wife got mad at me for doing all the yard work because we are in a fitbit step challenge together.
Hockey is a sport where people use feet knives to walk so they can score a goal with a tiny hamburger.
Wife: I’m pissed!
Me: still or again?
6-year-old: *finds a picture she drew* Why was this in the trash?
Me:
6:
Me: It was too good. I didn’t want to make your sisters jealous.
Yachts are for rich people who always thought waterbeds were cool.
HUSBAND: Why are you late?
ME: I was at church.
HUSBAND: I find that hard to believe. Did they have a breakfast buffet or something?
I think it’s unfair that when a human eats uncooked fish it’s “sushi,” but when a fish eats uncooked human, it’s “a shark attack.”