For 21 years i wasnt allowed to sit on the arm of my aunties couch, today my auntie gave me that couch. Here are the pictures she recieved
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*Passive-aggressively skips through your selfies and only likes pics of your dog*
Married With Children is a hilarious sitcom until you’re 35 and realise it’s a chilling documentary.
Don’t pretend like your cat wouldn’t 100% microwave fish if they had half a chance.
movie idea: Dracula, but he’s allergic to blood, so he gets diarrhea a lot (movie loosely based on my relationship with dairy)
Girlfriend, catching my gaze: What are you thinking?
Me [still furiously trying to work out why the frog in Frogger dies when it goes in water, and why the Flintstones celebrated Christmas]: Just how right everything feels when I’m with you.
I don’t like to brag, but I don’t need it to be Friday the 13th in order to murder someone.
Seriously, if I were a manager at Burger King, my answer to every complaint would be, “You’re at Burger King.”
Why does ma Nana’s dog look like he’s trying tae see what he wants tae order from the chippy
Imagine if we were like cows and horses and when we gave birth our baby would immediately stand up and start running around the hospital and the doctors would have to catch them and round them up in a baby pen
MAYOR’S TIP: before you spend 20 minutes blowing an air mattress, make sure it’s really an air mattress, and not Gary hiding under a blanket
common English mistakes:
-mixing up there, their and they’re
-using the wrong too, to or two
-using apostrophes for plurals
-enslaving innocent people
-putting commas in the wrong place
You say lobotomy like it’s a bad thing.
Me: One coffee please.
Barista: Name for the cup?
Me: Umm Cuppy McSip.
me: this could have been an email
cop: step out of the car sir
“Yes officer, *rolling eyes* I know what a traffic light is I passed the captcha test on three tries.”
[at the dentist]
him: come and lie on the chair
me: ok
him: not face down
I should be getting paid for getting up at 3 am. to go pee.
me: what did you go as for halloween
coworker: I wore-
me: [stands up] WHAT IS IT GOOD FOR
coworker:
me:
coworker: did you just ask me that to-
me: ABSOLUTELY NOTHING
If you think it’s impossible to be late for work when you work from home, we probably can’t be friends.
Yoplait
I plait
We all plait for foreplait.
Sean Connery still has nightmares about the time he told a woman to sit on his face.
My love language is Latin. It’s dead.
i should be the upstairs neighbor. i should be the one spilling marbles. it should be me up there
My yearbook quote is the only thing I am proud of
Guess how many times pre-wrapped convenience store firewood helped me get laid.
date: are you looking for love?
me: [peering over top of menu] no they only do pretzels
Parents who say they’re going to the store for smokes and never return, what’s wrong with you? It’s your house. Send the kids for smokes and change the locks.
me: *finally falling back asleep in the middle of the night*
my brain: *make her think she heard the doorbell*
I just reached in my purse for a pen and found a full 4 pack chicken nugget box from McDonalds.
So I get it, squirrels. I get it.
Gmail search is amazing. You can search something like “flight sacramento receipt 2023” and it will somehow manage to serve up literally every email in your inbox that isn’t the receipt for the flight you just took to Sacramento.