the guy inventing artificial banana flavor: whatever close enough
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It’s very rare that a defibrillator fails
But when it does,
no one is shocked
Wax museum director: What are we going to do with all this old wax?
Twizzlers CEO: We’ll take it.
Just told my two kids that I love them both equally and the one with his shoes on the wrong feet totally bought it.
Wait a minute…
I went to the doctor yesterday. Because “was attacked by geese” is on my medical record, first question every time from both nurse & doctor is, “Any more trouble with geese?”
No, Clickbait writer, here are 20 household items YOU’VE been using wrong
[waterloo]
napoleon: wow. that was really embarrassing
general: yea
napoleon: hope nobody writes a song about this
Me: My passion for the sea is rather inconsistent, I’m afraid. It comes in waves
Navy recruiter: Get out
Some people are just better left alone.
In a jacket, in a room with padded walls.
Just spent 45 minutes on the treadmill – tomorrow I think I’ll actually turn it on!
OK so apparently “psychosis” is one word, and doesn’t specifically refer to my female sibling.
“You don’t have to try on every outfit on sale, you know”, my mum, clearly not knowing how a sale works.
My teen said she wants to go to the mall with me so we can spend time together, and then the credit cards in my purse laughed and laughed.
All food is good if you spell it wrong
Me: Do you have any books on paranoia?
Librarian : They’re right behind you.
We found Max..
#MyFebruaryAccomplishment
Therapist: please tell me a little about what brought you both here today.
Wife: We don’t talk. Plus he is so literal.
Me: My truck.
DND allows you to play out even the most impossible fantasies, such as:
-Speaking multiple languages
-Traveling with friends
-Being Charismatic
-Waking up Early
-Having money
REPORTER: you say you spotted the missing hikers somewhere in these woods
CLEARLY A BEAR IN A FLANNEL & AVIATORS: [right on mic] briefly yes
If Oprah took over Favstar, everyone would get a trophy.
I feel like whoever named it a “magic marker” was really overselling their product expectation-wise.
[my funeral]
priest: we are all going to miss, uh… *snaps finger* you know.. *glances at my wife*
wife: *turns to my mom*
mom: Greg? I feel like it was something close to Greg.
White people dance like they have an invisible hula hoop around their waist.
*KNOCK KNOCK* OPEN UP ITS THE POLICE
“What do you want?”
YOU’RE UNDER ARRES-
“No.”
..NO??
“No, I don’t want to be.”
*whispers* Shit now what
An alien makes contact. I take it home, give it a sandwich. Then ice cream. And then, to show we’re an advanced race, an ice cream sandwich.
Now that I have a standing desk I’m adding manual labor to my resume.
Shia LaBeouf always manages to come back into our lives at the exact moment we forget how to spell his last name
Fortune cookie- You will have a successful TV show.
Me- How old is this cookie?!
I’m a parent, so if another grownup tells me “we’ll see” or “maybe” I know the answer is no
My kid dropped an entire glass of cranberry juice and now he knows how hard it’d be to cover up a murder