idk about you but I still remember what I was doing when I found out Kennedy had been shot: sitting at home, reading the JFK Wikipedia page
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Her: I’m so wet
Him: I’m so hard
Eavesdropping alien: These people are bad at describing themselves.
i’m so bad at rock-paper-scissors, last time i accidently joined a street gang.
“What fruit or vegetable extract have we not said was good for your hair yet?”
~Shampoo developers probably
Inside the heads of four JCrew models.
I met my husband on eHarmony, which is Tinder for back when the smartest things our phone could do was make you pay $2 to play an actual song as your ringtone
After a great late-night cup of coffee, my wife posted on Facebook, “Satisfied!”
I woke up to a barrage of congratulatory messages.
My kids are gathered around the Christmas tree to analyze the gifts. They carefully weigh and gently shake each box, then they put other things around the house into cardboard boxes and shake them for comparison. They’re getting too tactical this year…Santa’s in the crosshairs.
I love having a bowl for my keys by the door, it’s really helpful to have one less place to look for them
I never understood why a set of false teeth is called “dentures”.
They really missed an opportunity to call it “substitooths”.
I mean…but I did
Learn to negotiate like my 5-year old. Instead of asking, “Can we please get a kitty?” he asked, “Are we getting a kitty today or tomorrow?”
“Your meal is being prepared and should be delivered in 30-45 minutes”
Perfect. Just enough time to eat a sleeve of Oreos.
How to be a beautiful woman*:
– Breathe fire
– have a 30 feet long wingspan
– keep your scales acid shiny
– sharpen your claws*Awesome dragon
Her: Have we been to that restaurant?
Me: hmm damn I’m not sure.
Her: It’s cute how you cross your arms when you’re thinking. Also, please put your hands on the steering wheel, you’re going 84.
A decepticon is a just a cheeky emoticon at the end of a message intended to excuse the sender and confuse the recipient.
Ex: Please die 😉
whenever i wake up before my alarm
*Held up the grocery line because the card reader couldn’t read my Apple Watch*
Elderly Man behind me: (Exhales) Let’s move this along, future boy
Does it sound ridiculous? Yes. Did I get a sports injury from eating too many tacos? Also yes.
Me: Want a back rub?
Wife: It depends
Me: On what?
Wife: Have you been watching pimple popping videos again?
Me:
Wife: No. The answer is no.
Adrenaline Junky:
*Almost falls to certain death*
WHAT A RUSH!!Me:
*Almost drops grilled cheese sandwich*
SAMESIES!!
You slid into my DM’s and now you mean to tell me you’re not gonna divorce your wife, uproot your life and leave your family FOR ME!? HOW DARE!
“You got a friend in me” – your friend’s girlfriend
After 8 years of research and an obscene amount of funding, we have determined that bat shit is no crazier than any other shit
6: Dad, why do you have so many nicknames for me?
*I break down, no longer able to cover up that I can’t remember my son’s name
Quarantine, day 14. Me and my boyfriend spent the whole day setting up an art gallery for our gerbil.
do u think spider-man ever shot a little of his own web in his mouth just to see what it tastes like
Dear Santa,
My ex was very naughty this year. But I was very good. So you can just send me all his presents.
“You promise you didn’t get me bees again”
[me from a distance] just open it
I mean, who hasn’t faked being goth for an entire year just to get out of being a bridesmaid in their sister’s wedding?
Utility company website: Are you a bot?
Me: No, but if there are bots trying to pay my utility bills, mind your own business.