[washing my hands in the blood of my enemies] *counting to 20 in my head*
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[poker night with the boys]
wife: *on the phone*: I’ll be home soon, need anything?
m: yes please, chips and beer
w: ok. winning?
m: all pants are off
w: you meant bets, right?
m *neatly folding my jeans*: I know what I meant
New friend- What do you do for a living?
Me- Disappoint my family.
Based on the incessant amount of times the song is sung in our house we are definitely talking about Bruno.
I show dominance by calling out her name from outside her window while she’s having sex.
My job demands an awful lot of responsibility for someone who still hopes he wakes up with superpowers one day.
REASONS TO KEEP A WRITER IN YOUR HOME
• they know weird facts
• they’re low maintenance because all they do is eat and write
• great for midnight chats because they don’t sleep
• if they have to edit they’ll procrastinate by cleaning your whole house
to make a tv show you need one banana-shaped man and one-orange shaped man. let me explain
Writing a song about getting my front door lock replaced. There’s a lovely key change at the end.
I own a lot of Nike shirts for a guy who just bought a movie on iTunes so he wouldn’t have to get up and get the DVD from the other room.
God gives everyone a hot cousin to test us.
It’s all fun & games till somebody has to explain to the optometrist what a golden shower is & why your eye is highly irritated.
ravioli cooking instructions are always like “bring 7 gallons of water to a boil. cook one ravioli at a time. use new water between raviolis. they don’t like thrifted baths.”
Me: *from downstairs* what’s it called when a word describes the sound something makes?
Her: it’s onomatopoeia.
Me: on what mat up there?
dating is scary, what if I put myself out there and I fall in love with someone who’s family plays charades at holiday gatherings
My favorite bible character is the woman who wanted the baby and then when Solomon said he would cut the baby in half was like “hell yeah, gimme those legs”
When you have bad handwriting, notes to yourself are just fun little mysteries you get to solve later on.
Weird how my husband can sleep through the baby crying but he jumps straight up with one unsnap of my bra hook.
Me: All I want is for a man to bring me a rose-
Friend: Well, that’s not asking much.
Me: colored diamond.
Always a massive red flag than when a guy lists “The Art of War” as one of his favorite books. It’s like, you’re an accountant, Brent, you’re not Tyrion Lannister
Death row last meal? Starfish. Eat a leg, it grows back. Sit back and enjoy a long life eating starfish legs in an electric chair.
Overheard in hair salon: “I have LITERALLY no shorts. Like I seriously have only 4 or 5 pairs of shorts.”
This is why I can’t stand people.
Three turkeys ran through the yard and all I could think was “wait guys, I’m coming too.”
I opened my front door and saw a coyote in the yard and said “Oh, sorry” and closed the door like I’d walked in on an unlocked bathroom stall.
“fool me once, shame on u. fool me once, shame on u. fool me once, shame on u” – a goldfish 🙁
parents, bringing their problem child to summer camp
Everyone says they want a fairytale wedding. But when I show up and curse their firstborn, suddenly I’m the jerk…
George W Bush kept us safe just like how abstinence education kept Bristol Palin unpregnant.
Me: Did you use my highlighter?
2-year-old:
Me:
2:
Me:
2: No.
Apparently she’s always been neon yellow.
Schools be like: make sure to buy your kid a glue stick that we will never use
how is beauty and the beast a “tale as old as time”? a lady hooks up with a big dog, and all the candles in the house start talking? I hope that hasn’t happened before