*wakes up*
*looks at clock*
8:00
*brushes teeth*
*looks at clock again*
8:30*gets to work*
*looks at clock*
9:00
*comes out of a 2 hour meeting*
*looks at clock again*
9:05
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Mark Zuckerberg came up with the idea for Facebook when he was at a party & a racist uncle wrote a bible quote on a painting then poked him
In my experience, the quickest way to escape Jury Duty? As they read out the charges, yell out, “Oh c’mon…even I’ve done THAT!”
I miss payphones. Sometimes you just wanna say hello to someone and also get hepatitis.
If the pandemic has taught us anything, it’s that everything can be done naked.
Walgreens guy: You still need to leave
> be 28
> mom tells me to get a job
> put on Braveheart face paint
> run into kitchen
> scream FREEDOM
> mom tells me to get a girlfriend
it was the best of times, it was the cursed of times
I asked a millennial why she spent so much money on her wedding. She said you only get married once, then I laughed and laughed.
I haven’t really been as disappointed as I was when I realised that the movie ‘Breakfast Club’, actually had nothing to do with food
There must’ve been a good reason Zimmerman pulled a gun on his wife. Like, maybe she was walking down the street, minding her own business.
I’m terrible with names…
…just ask my daughter Barry
everyone: “you changed”
the climate: i know 😞
Me: Will you please just SHUT UP!
Brain: Well damn, don’t come running to me when you forget how to spell CAT.
People are all “Sure, I’ll help you move” until they see my prized collection of cement blocks from around the world.
I hung a picture of my paycheck on my front door to keep all the solicitors away.
watching Despicable Me with the kids, but pausing it for a quick PowerPoint about how stealing the moon would kill everyone on earth
Imagine you’re about to have surgery and right before the anesthesia kicks in you notice a “University of Phoenix” degree on the wall
White guy in horror movie: I think we should split up.
Me, antisocial: Solid move, Thad.
The woman at the table next to me has been whining and complaining about her boyfriend for the last 20 minutes.
I’m not even in the relationship and I’ve broken up with her 4 times in my mind.
The computer keyboard was invented before the mouse. It was a precursor.
Your Czech is in the mail.
-Mail order brides
Before you storm out of a room, make sure you take your phone.
It’s gonna take a real idiot to write my autobiography.
The USS B port
Me: dang those wings were spicy
WebMD: you have cancer
Me: I just ate buffalo wings I’m pretty sure it’s just heartburn
WebMD: ᵇᵘᶠᶠᵃˡᵒ ᶜᵃⁿᶜᵉʳ
yesterday at the farmers market when i was buying cucumbers, the old man selling them asked what i planned on doing with them & for a second I was like 👀 👀 👀 until he continued by asking if i was going to just eat them or pickle them because one kind is sweet and one kind is…
I hate when my friends stand so close to me when pictures are being taken. It’s like they don’t know I plan on cropping them out later.
My belly don’t jiggle jiggle, it folds.
My boss just set a meeting for July 2024 and a little piece of me died.
I would’ve loved to have been a detective during the era when people’s watches always stopped at the exact second they were murdered. These days it’s all CCTV and social media. Bring back corpse watches.
Me: *holds an old lady’s hand as I cross the street*
Cop: Where …. Where is the rest of her??!!!