If I tell you I’m running 10 minutes behind, that means 10 minutes later than normal. So, 20 minutes-ish.
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The first 3 days of a diet is always harder than the 4th day because by the end of 3rd day, you’re dead.
I’d like to thank whomever told my mom that WTF means “wow that’s fantastic.” Her texts are so much more fun now.
If they worked, nobody would own more than one self-help book.
Office Quidditch but the golden snitch is the last free donut.
i know my boyfriend’s not an empath bc he walks really fast while im wearing heels
spicy snake
[boss finds pics of me snowboarding]
“You missed work bc you said you were sick…& judging from these pics, YOU WERENT LYING”
*fist bump*
Indiana Jones & the hopscotch of doom.
[stargazing]
“It’s amazing the activity you can pick up with a decent telescope [lowers kaleidoscope] absolutely amazing.”
Parenthood is so crazy. We’re really out here getting bullied by the people we made.
I’m gonna be a professional farmer when I grow up. I’ve been wanting to get in that field for years.
If they stole your tweet they probably need it more than you do.
Eminem walks into a bar.
Bartender: You only get one shot.
“Welcome to money management. Have you all paid your $200 entrance fee?”
“Yes”
“Excellent, never give money to strangers. Class dismissed”
Just once I want to see a new parent post a baby photo on Facebook with the words: “Still not sure if we like it, tbh.”
My daughter just announced she’s SICK of stupid-ass people. I said “Oh darlin, you’re gonna feel ill for a long time.. they’re everywhere.”
A haunted house but it’s just your cubicle and your boss is inviting you to a team building exercise.
I installed a bike rack on my car so my neighbors think I do something else besides stay drunk.
me: you take your job a little too seriously
bouncer: *jumping up and down* what
[God making water]
“it helps plants”
ANGEL: nice
“cleans things”
A: ok
“u die if u don’t drink it”
A:
“& drown if u drink it wrong”
A: what
I just accidentally uploaded this instead of my invoice on a company’s invoicing portal and I can’t delete it
We have 25 people coming over tomorrow for a bbq. 6 moms. 6 dads. 13 toddlers under the age of 4. My husband said if I took our girls out today that he’d ‘get the house ready.’ What did he clean in the 2 hours we were gone? The top of the fridge. He cleans the TOP OF THE FRIDGE.
Birthdays were invented by big wax corporations to sell more candles with numbers on them.
[1st date]
Him: Do you like magic?
Her: I LOVE MAGIC
Him: klatu barada nikto!
[Woman’s dead grandpa emerges from the ground]Her: *Screams*
Him: Oh, so you meant you like illusions.
Sometimes I like to mess with my husband and say things like “Honey, please hand me a waffle knife” and watch him panic.
Caveman: I have discovered fire
Village: yayyyyy
Caveman: it’s burning all our stuff
Village: booooo
I love Bruce Lee because he studied art and poetry and decided the most beautiful form of self expression is punching someone in the face
My 7yo had £3 pocket money and decided that, more than anything in the world, she wanted to buy this secondhand doll. This sick, green doll. This nightmare doll, which is now affectionately named “Baby Ben.” If I am dead by morning, you know why.
My toddler just told me that she’s my best friend.
Then she told me that the toilet is also my best friend.
She’s right about both.
I don’t throw gang signs. I’m Scottish. I throw bricks 🙂