Think of a thing.
Theres an e cig flavor for that.
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Someone forgot to tell my body that calories after midnight don’t count
Like anyone has time to sit there and read 12,412 product reviews on Amazon.
[8 hours later]
Yeah, I’m def not buying this pillow.
if ur tinder bio says u wanna go on adventures don’t be complaining about how seasick u are when we’re halfway across the atlantic in my uncle’s boat
Since when is a sweater vest not business casual?
Work is telling me I can’t wear them anymore unless I have a shirt underneath.
I still lie about my age when asked. But, instead of shaving years off, I now add years on. If you tell someone you’re 66, they generally just nod in reaction. But, if you tell them you’re 73, you stand a very good chance of hearing, ‘Wow! You look great for 73!’
… and on the eighth day, Satan created teenagers.
Owls are just nocturnal pug birds
I fill the pantry with healthy snacks and then get mad when we don’t have any junk food in the house.
If you are having anxiety over something you’ve said or done, just remember that 90% of the world only cares what you look like.
just rolled a joint. it was my ankle.
*lays head on homeless guys lap*
“You would not believe the day I had”
FRIEND: My kid was mvp of his basketball team.
ME: My kid misses when he tries to high-5
Five second rule? Pfft. What’s the point of having an immune system if you’re not going to use it?
My toddler just spent five minutes explaining that he can’t use his imagination because he traded it to a kid at daycare for some fruit snacks. Ok, bro.
torturing my cousin whos trying to get me a birthday gift
I’m either going to get a tattoo today or do something real crazy like clean my closet.
I wonder if the username “That Cab” is free, cause a lot of people would want to follow “That Cab”
*I cycle off mt Rushmore and fall to my death but my bicycle lands on the end of Lincolns nose and makes a perfect pair of reading glasses*
Considering “Thank You” cards are a thing, I’m going to invent “No, thank YOU!” cards and people will send them back and forth forever.
villain: heh… this attack will feel like the entire universe bearing down on you!
me: can’t really wrap my head around that. dumb it down please
villain:
villain: this attack will feel like a horse kicking you in the head twice
me: oh shit
What has 15 actors, 4 settings, 2 writers and 1 plot line?
632 Hallmark Christmas movies.
I grew up in the 70s. If there was a bowl of fruit on the kitchen table it was made out of plastic and lead paint
If you’ve already seen a bunch of poodles jumping rope in unison today, just keep scrolling. 🐩 🐩🐩🐩🐩🐩
Once a lady asked me to guess her age. I don’t like playing this game but she insisted. I gave her a good look, estimated her age, and subtracted 10 years just to be safe. “37” I said. Well for a 26 yo she threw quite the fit.
Anyway the lesson here is don’t smoke cigarettes.
The funniest thing about being sober is someday finding out that you were the mayor of Toronto.
I tried to cook beef Wellington. It was just beef Okayington
telling people you’re single:
• “you’ll find someone”
• “have you tried tinder”saying “many have tried to date me and all have failed”:
• mystical
• empowering
• sword-in-the-stone vibes
They said good sex was all about chemistry, so I wore a lab coat & slept with a beaker.
100% per cent of survey respondents said: help us get out of this tall tree. we didn’t know this survey involved being stuck in a tree
My husband and I love to play “who can pile the most into the trash can without taking it out” and I can assure there are no winners her. Just cursing, garbage covered losers