My dancing style can best be described as “Guy On Maury Who Just Found Out He Isn’t The Father.”
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“Can someone call me a doctor?!”
You’re a doctor.
“Please I’m losing my patience!”
You’re a terrible doctor.
Next time you want to question the rationality of women, just remember that they freak the fuck out when they see a centimeter long spider.
Not enough arguments are settled with a dance off.
Maybe installing Freudian Autocorrect was not the breast idea.
genie: you have three wishes
me: nightvision goggles
genie: dope
me: the only pair on the planet
genie: many people will be affected
me: now kill the sun
genie: dude
I no longer dislike Mondays, i’m mature now… I dislike the whole week.
Stranger at public charging station: Did you just unplug my phone?
Me: Yours is at 40 percent and mine is at 5 percent. I invoked triage rules.
*sees people doing the mannequin challenge, brings back ice bucket challenge and dumps it on mannequin people*
Me: In high school I was voted most likely to cut my own bangs with safety scissors.
Interviewer: I meant any professional achievements.
Breath escapes my broken body. I collapse amid dark, icy spears of pain. The fight’s done. It’s over.
GYM INSTRUCTOR: You’ve done 9 seconds
Packed Wakanda Forever audience cheering “ELAINE! ELAINE! ELAINE!” every time Julia Louis-Dreyfus shows up
Watching two cows do naughty things to each other in a bush. They been reading the Farmer Sutra lol
Cashier holds up a bottle of herbal spray for hot flashes “you sure you want this it’s twelve dollars” YES I WANT IT AND I DON’T WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT
My muffin top has become a full blown birthday cake.
Here’s a conspiracy theory, your parents conspired to create an idiot
Black licorice tastes like Satan himself made candy and then it expired.
Dang you got a good deal on your tattoo and the squirrel’s so realistic. What? A portrait of your Mom? Dude I wish my Mom was a squirrel.
Have kids, so people who drink their own bath water can critique your cooking.
Therapist: remember the key to a happy marriage is poise and self-sacrifice.
Me: [writes down poison self; sacrifice] that makes a lot of sense Doc.
I first learned the “bend and snap” on Legally Blonde.
But now I snap when I bend, and not in a good way…
I finally mustard up the confidence to pepper you with condiments. I’ve been relishing the thought of a romantic ketchup. I mayo be out of line, but I don’t want to live with vinaigrettes. Tartar for now, honey! XO
A guy on a scooter just yelled at me for being on my phone at a red light so I yelled at him for being on a scooter
Me yesterday: I’m gonna get so much done during this quarantine
Me today: 2pm time for bed
If only my parents had given me a memorable first name.
oh you wanna fight?!
Women are like bacon: we look good, we smell good, we taste good and we will slowly kill you.
ME: Happiness often sneaks in through a door that you didn’t realize you left open.
ANIMAL CONTROL OFFICER: You weren’t supposed to name the raccoon before we got here-
Growing up I was convinced the only reason my parents had kids was so we could change the channel on the tv.
KID: where do babies come from
ME: [interrupts] and how do we stop that
My son wasn’t listening so I said his attitude was super cringe and he looked up at me in horror and look at that he heard me.