I lied and told someone, “I can’t go to your party I have diarrhea.” I actually do have diarrhea but historically that hasn’t stopped me
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Red wine has anti-inflammatory properties so if there is a god, she is a middle aged mom.
#MyRoommateIsWeird she keeps having babies and making me take care of them. She also insists I call her ‘Wife’
[Arranging a date]
Her: OK how does 4 o’clock sound?
Him: [Through megaphone] DONG DONG DONG DONG
5 year old: can we just have dessert for dinner tonight? I’m asking you first because you make great decisions.
I need to get my HR lady, mom and girlfriend together so they can more efficiently scrutinize my every move and thought.
Florida’s state motto should be “hold my beer.”
My wife & I couldn’t agree on which psychic to go to. They were all sad and depressing.
“What did you do?”
We finally found a happy medium
It’s not like I live in a broken down car on the side of a road. I’m not that rich.
Cramming a band’s whole discography just hours before a concert just in case they stop the show and start quizzing me
I took a test to see if I have multiple personalities. I scored 100%, 92%, and 88%.
[at funeral]
FRIEND: I’m sorry for your loss
ME: Thanks, I would have won our fantasy league if my QB didn’t get injured
FRIEND: I meant for your wife
ME: It’s ok, now she’ll never know I lost
My daughter has a lovebird and we’ve never gotten them sexed b/c it doesn’t matter and ppl were seriously like “but then how will you know what to name it????”
My kid was like “uh their name is Toast”
Being a parent isn’t just a job it’s a way of life. Like coal mining, or deep sea fishing, or ice road trucking….really any job that’s actively trying to kill you.
me: “i taught the dog to bark when someone lies”
wife: “i dont care about that, do you like my haircut?”
me: [slowly covers the dog’s ears]
Old people like to get up at 4am so they can go sit in chairs and fall back asleep
Him: your so funny, smart & beautiful how are you still single
Me: *you’re
signs you’re dating an angel:
– skin made of smooth marble
– thousands of eyes that emit lasers
– wings violently displace tons of air
– 13,000 trumpets constantly
– peaceful sense of impending doom
– giant chalice overflowing with acid
– texts you good morning
The enemy of my enemy is my friend unless they don’t dance and if they don’t dance well they’re no friend of mine.
*At a clothing store*
Worker: Do you need any help sir?
Me: *Mixes “No, I’m good” & “No, I’m just looking”*Me:”No, I’m just good looking”
WIFE: There are people from the zoo at the front door
ME: *sitting on the couch with my new pet monkey* Do they look upset?
my disrespectful teen son somehow got hold of a gluten product and now he wants to become a cat girl
[Creating Humans]
God: Gonna add a small part in their elbows so if they hit it just right it hurts a lot.
Angels: Why?
God: Just like blowing up the Death Star.
Angels: Lololol.
God: I hope they call it a funny bone.
Good for him😉🤣😉🤣😉🤣
On the bright side you only need one more brain cell and you could pass as a plant
Teenagers should not handle weapons to fight crime or be turtles.
Okay with female deers & drops of golden sun. But always felt that “La” deserved a better identity than “a note to follow So”
Did my noble deed today and got a few boxes of Girl Scout cookies. It wasn’t for me, it was for the organization of course.
me: “£4,000 for a beehive?”
salesman: “sir, there are 8,000 bees in there, that’s only 50p each”
me: [checking my wallet] “give me 3 bees”
Asked mom what she wanted for Christmas this year and she said “I don’t want any gifts, I just want to know my kids are happy” well that’s a pretty big ask, Christy. Can I just get you the vacuum and call it even