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Goodnight room
Goodnight moon
Goodnight neighbor’s Christmas lights that’ll stay up til June
Woke up this morning with a pillow over my face, hearing someone muttering “…it would be so easy…”
The glove snap before the prostate exam isn’t necessary. We just do that to mess with you.
I do so love when I’m not on twit for a few hours and when I come back there’s something that everyone’s alluding to and I get to slowly piece together what happened like I’m reading the log on an abandoned ship
Me: I got the vaccine!
MIL: I’m coming for a visit
Me: I don’t want it anymore!
Football is so cute it’s like some guys are like we’re gonna get you and one guys like no no no no
It’s amazing how the lowly potato gives us potato chips, french fries, and vodka. Get your shit together, every other vegetable.
*Ordering Chinese Food
Vanilla Ice: I’ll have egg rolls and chicken fried rice rice baby
(way too loud, trying not to get murdered) Wow, the Boeing corporation’s manufacturing quality is top notch, outclassed only by their generous workplace policies
My kids played camping today and my job was to stay in the tent and sleep, I’ve never been so good at a game before
My favorite childhood memory is not having a job.
just walked in on my son playing cards against humanity by himself like solitaire
I’m giving up being Catholic for Lent.
Me: Wanna have sex?
Wife: With you or in general?
DOCTOR: Push again, the baby is-
MOTHER: IS SOMETHING WRONG?
DOCTOR: [holding phone] No, I just caught a Jigglypuff up in there.
“Evolution-schmevolution!”
-Bill DeNye, the Non-Science Guy
The important thing to remember is that nobody asked you.
Just finished my taxes and it looks like I’ll be able to afford that vacation to the Outback…steakhouse that is.
And then he tweeted…..
“SEE YOU IN COURT”
After just LOSING IN COURT‼️
What I say:
Please don’t jump on the sofa arm.What they hear:
Kids, this is a pommel horse. Enjoy.
Go to the bar with you? Sure dude but know in advance that I’m the worst wingman since Icarus.
Nobody:
NASA scientists: the moon’s wet!
“Follow me!”
Me: Don’t tell me what to do, ERIC!!!
(Me at an exercise class)
Parkour was invented in 1973 when a guy tripped in front of a hot girl and tried to play it off
-Whoa! Have you seen that big herd of bees outside?
-Not *herd* of bees.
-You’ve not heard of bees? They’re flying things with stings.
-I know, but it’s swarm!
-*sweating* I know, it’s boiling! But I’m not opening the window til that herd of bees has gone.
Having a crush on someone sucks. If I wanted to gamble with my emotions, I would simply go to a convenience store, fill a slushie with 5 random flavors & let the lord decide whether it was delicious or not.
If I had to homeschool kids because of the pandemic, recess would be 6 hours long.
The urge to throw a coconut at someone.
Him: I’m leaving you
Me: is it because I constantly misquote Shakespeare?
Him: you compared me to a Summer’s Eve™…
Me: parting is such sweet and sour 🙁