First day of summer vacation so I told my kids to propose a daily chore list and a fair compensation system and long story short, I just got home from work and I guess I already owe them $725 and a trip to Disneyland.
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Hate it when you’re getting rad footage of an accident scene to put on Facebook & some loser says “Hey, aren’t you the paramedic we called?”
this one has claws
This one swims but can’t fly
This one is huge & runs funny
This one bangs his head against trees
– god making birds
I want to be buried in a spring loaded casket filled with confetti.
I just want a future archaeologist to have a great day.
I read through all of What To Expect When You’re Expecting and it did nothing to prepare me for the day my teenager started calling me ‘bro’
Girl, same.
In the beginning God said, “let there be light,” and my dad said, “my electric bill is going to be through the roof; do you think I’m made of money?”
Did my fruit just move?
Pear-anormal activity
[writing my first autopsy report]
There was a slight mix-up initially but it turns out the guy died from an accidental autopsy
Just a thought. Why do trees get naked come Fall? They’re so careless too, just leaving their clothes everywhere
The reason God calls all of us his children is so he can claim us all as dependents.
Mugger: “Hand over your card and give me your PIN number!”
Me: “My personal identification number number?”
*he stabs me*
*runs away from it all*
*runs back*
*grabs phone charger*
*runs away from it all again*
my retirement plan is recording a hit Christmas song, i just need to learn how to sing and write music
A rob Lowe implies the existence of rob homedepot
The neighbor’s 5yo keeps yelling “are we boyfriend and girlfriend” across the fence at my 5yo, and my kid just came running in the house and slammed the door, so I guess that answers that
The priest said that the demon really wants to leave, but I’m way too clingy, so the exorcism didn’t work.
“You gotta try the lobs-”
– I’ll should tell you…
“Yes?”
– We’re not having sex.
“OK.”
– What were you saying?
“The chicken here’s great.”
Me: I would like this urn
Clerk: of course, sir. Who is it for?
Me: my wife
Clerk: oh, I’m so sorry
[later]
Wife: no I do not like my Christmas present
Dad: listen to me son: don’t ever let anyone tell you what to do
Son: okay
Dad: *slams fist* WHAT DID I JUST SAY
Remember it’s Christmas. You need to check your elf before you wreck your shelf
Me: I need a vacation by myself.
Me, alone on the beach for 5 minutes with my thoughts: not like that.
If you think walking on eggshells is bad, try chewing them.
Sure, I want to find that perfect for me relationship, but experience has taught me it’s probably cupcakes.
Evolution saved Big Bird from fitting in a mine.
me: what’s the best way to get healthy?
doctor: diet and exercise
me: what’s the next best?
i love that my tweets still say i’m tweeting from earth because i know a lot of you are tweeting straight from URANUS
Me: Soooo it’s our 3rd date. Is this when we like, you know, take it to the next level?
Him: Definitely! My place or yours?
Me: I was just hoping to go somewhere a little nicer than 7-11
on a date with a guy who’s been fired from 3 different bowling alleys
Once a year, I put 16 spiders in my husband’s mouth while he sleeps bc
-Let’s get this over with
-He can eat mine
-I really miss Fear Factor