There’s never been a single day in my life when I thought to myself ” thank god the cops are here”
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me (checkin out at grocery store with 2 rotisserie chickens): hold up *i grab my phone although it didn’t ring* sure i’ll get 1 more chicken
Work said I was going to do a drug test today. So far I haven’t tested any drugs, but this weird guy asked me to urinate in a cup.
I stab myself a little bit every day to slowly build up an immunity to being stabbed to death.
I just like to keep my options open
-me, setting six alarms on my phone
In my day, we didn’t have quiet quitting.
The 5:00 whistle would blare, you’d yell “Yabba dabba doo!” as loud as you could, then slide down the back of a dinosaur.
I never picked my nose. I was born with it.
(uses phone to push more food onto my fork)
When people post about their 5 year olds, they’re talking about wine right?
never in my 3 days of trading have I ever seen anything like this
This cat wants you to take your pills
I stopped putting coffee in my sugar, and it shows!!!
Just left WalMart. All the cute well behaved kids must be at Target.
HER: why do you hate every single Hugh Grant movie?
ME: i love love actually actually
8-year-old: Are you making pizza for dinner?
Me: No.
8: Can you check again?
Avengers Endgame and the Battle of Winterfell coming out the same weekend is like when your history teacher and your English teacher both assigned papers due the same day except instead of homework it’s emotional labor
Helen Hunt but only when Helen hungry.
*Runs fingers over Braille calendar*
Is this a date? It feels like a date.
I packed a picnic lunch. Meet me by the abandoned ferris wheel at Chernobyl. I’ve heard glowing reviews.
Wife: can you please rinse your hair off the soap?
Me: that’s not my hair.
Wife: then who’s hair is it?
Me: omg it’s a full moon.
Wife: so?
Me: *whispers* weresoap.
Life hack: If I ever end my advice with “I promise”, do the opposite. I’m bored and want to see if you’re going to do the stupid shit I suggested.
If you drop a peanut in a shag rug forget it, let it go.
I’m part of a mom group chat which means I can read 3,000 messages to learn my kid has a science project due tomorrow.
My neighbor put up like $3,000 worth of Christmas lights but I showed him by putting out a nativity scene with like 20 baby Jesuses
Yachts are for rich people who always thought waterbeds were cool.
A horror movie but it’s just a married couple trying to work from home and one of them is chewing
Thought I was saying, “Bye bye” at the end of a phone call, and it came out, “Bye bay,” and then I’m in a panic, thinking she may have heard it as, “Bye, babe,” and she’s not someone I can “babe,” and then the rest of the evening I have a new episode of Seinfeld in my head
I’m not saying that I’d summon Cthulhu to avoid work this morning, but I’m not ready to say that I wouldn’t either
I noticed that you’re still staring at me after I already answered your question, what can we do to stop this
Doctor: I’m sorry, but your Dad’s in a coma.
Teen: Huh?
Doctor: He’s in airplane mode now.
Teen: OHHH NOOOOO!!
I really wanna press it again cuz this funeral is super boring but I think the widow is starting to get ticked off.