hey people that post selfies on Instagram and caption it ‘No Filter’, go with a filter next time. serious
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[neil degrasse tyson voice] the film is called Home Alone but thats actually a misnomer. in fact, kevin was joined in his home by 2 burglars
Do you have to go to the bathroom?
No
You sure?
Yes
How about now?
No
Now?
No
[movie begins]
Daddy?
FOR CRYING OUT LOUD
What a cute baby, what’s her name?
“Ethel”
She’s gonna make a great grandmother
As spooky season approaches, my very interested toddler has been asking “WHAT HIM NAME?” when we see a skeleton or other ghoulish figure on someone’s lawn, and since “I don’t know” is unacceptable to people who are almost 3, I have been spitballing names of people I don’t like.
Me: That guy is a bad apple.
6-year-old: He’s a person.
Me: I just meant he’s mean.
6: Probably because you called him an apple.
[first day as an Orderly]
*gets fired for disorderly conduct*
Because I was late to the cannibal feast, they gave me the cold shoulder.
“LOLZ”? Really? Did you laugh so loud you fell asleep?
I’m writing a book about how to come up with imaginative titles called “How to come up with imaginative titles – a book’.
Someone forgot to tell my body that calories after midnight don’t count
[being seated for blind date]
her: have you ever been on one of these before
me: yeah I love chairs
#ParentingFacts
ME: There’s a dead fly in my soup
WAITER: Yes
ME: There’s a dead fly in a tiny burning longboat in my soup
WAITER: Yes
ME: A cricket bard sings his spirit into the next world
WAITER: Yes
ME: My compliments to the chef
Friend: Let’s get together! What’s your calendar look like next week?
Me: Same picture of a dog on it till next month
I wanted to feel like a kid again so I soaked every towel getting out of the shower and trashed the bathroom.
[Chocolate Cake 101]
Sober: Use a fork
Stoned: Use your fingers
Drunk: Use your face
Husband: Quick. What’s this song?
Me: Awful.
[breakfast in hell]
STALIN: Toast is burnt
POL POT: Eggs are rotten
HITLER: I hate the juice
STALIN: Oh here we go
HITLER: I said JUICE
WELL, WHO TOLD YOU TO GO IN THE BATHROOM?
~ Me, yelling from bed at the cat crying to get out of the bathroom
If you tell someone “nice shirt” and they don’t look down at it you’re talking to a robot.
i’ve been kidnapped and quickly released easily 6 dozen times
this morning a coworker told me “why don’t u make like a tree & leaf” & all I could think of as a comeback was “yeah, well why don’t u make like a coffee & fridge” (we were in the break room), so do I just quit now or what
😎 🍻
Any day now, there will be a country song called “(He broke up with me from) 6 Feet Apart”.
Babe, calm down. I don’t think you heard me. They’re MAGIC beans.
Peanut Butter CEO: it’s taking too long to mix it, leave it lumpy
Me: umm
CEO: call it crunchy
Me: oh ok then we charge less
CEO: hahaha no
[mosh pit]
me: HELLOOO TRYING TO DRINK A LATTE HERE
A chimney is the eyes into the Jesus.
When one chimney closes, God shuts another door.
The eyes of the door is where the Jesus is.
And then the fortune cookie company fired me
Logged into Facebook.
‘Happiness is like a butterfly….’
Logged out of Facebook.
Jaws is exceptionally funny if you just imagine the shark is trying to be friends with the guys on the boat and they keep running away.