Big fan of taking a huge bite and then nodding while i chew. you make an excellent point, food.
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You know how you stumble to the bathroom at night keeping your eyes squeezed shut so you don’t fully wake up?
That’s the whole month of January for me
Never figured out why animated movies always showed a witch brewing some boiling hot Mountain Dew in a big cauldron.
OFFICE CHRISTMAS PARTY
BOSS: I don’t know you. Do you work here?
ME: *sips wine* No.
HIM: So your wife does?
ME: *sips his wine* Again no.
I finally feel peaceful and my mind is quiet.
Universe: Have her ex from 15 years ago contact her out of the blue and apologize for things she’d forgotten.
Things Women Over 30 Should Never Wear
1. exploding glove
2. ham sandwich
3. flaming fireplace
4. Dead bird helmet
6. shark eggs
*both typing*
5:02pm
you: babe i love you5:02pm
me: do you think shark pee is what makes the ocean salty
70% of the planet is covered in water yet here I am drowning in bullshit.
I’m not criticizing you. I just think you look awful. -My mom
I dropped my phone, is everyone okay?!
My husband has entered the “fun socks” years.
seashell: [holding me to its ear]
me: [making city noises]
when you’re a gargoyle but also afraid of heights
Walked into the kitchen and saw my wife laughing while putting a banana in the garbage disposal so I think I’ll sleep in the other room.
My 5-year-old talks to me about our solar system like I have no idea it exists, “do you know about the sun? It’s a star.” Yeah I know. I was the one that told you about it.
ME: I’m not the same person I was yesterday. What you’re looking at is a different me.
Passport agent:
If your drug dealer answers your call on the first ring …. he’s a cop.
welp
Found a pic in a box buried deep in the closet of me sitting on Santa’s knee. Hard to believe that was two whole years ago!
Friend: Can I borrow a pen?
Me: Sure!
*looks in purse*
*pulls out perfume, 17 Hershey kisses, a stapler & a baby goat*
Me: Sorry, no pen. 🙁
You can’t buy an umbrella. You can only inherit or steal one.
[my funeral]
PRIEST: Now that Dave has been cremated, he can finally get that rest he has… URNed.
EVERYONE: 😐
ME (from beyond): 😁
DIET UPDATE: I’ve had to replace the refrigerator light bulb twice since quarantine started
1) Pull black socks to knees 2) Wear sandals 3) Wear Magnum PI shorts 4) Make ball sack slightly visible
-Grandpa’s guide to lawn mowing
[to the tune of little drummer boy]
baaaaby shaaark, doo
doo doo doo doo doo
[Home invasion]
Me: isn’t there anything ELSE you want to take?
Burglar: lady I told you I’m married
*tries to mount a horse*
Horse: “I have a boyfriend.”
The most important thing I learned in life, and I can’t stress enough, it doesn’t matter where you went to college.
The only thing that matters is that you’re really hot.
I dropped a piece of cheese on the airplane and i know it rolled forward and some piece of shit in first class is enjoying it now
There’s a serious limit in how much one can take