i was one of the palm trees waving around in the background of every 16 bit game in the 90’s so yes random guy you do know me from somewhere
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[Therapy]
Dr. Pencil: Remind me again what draws you here today?
Piece of paper: I feel like I’m always getting lead on, it’s really left its mark on me.
Dr. Pencil: Oh, that’s write.
*hannibal lecter’s shopping list*
fava beans
a nice chianti
dave
Wolverine: [sharpening his claws] so what’s your super power?
Me: I am good at rearranging letters to form new words
Wine lover: [taking a sip of merlot] I’ll drink to that
Cop: First name please…
“Frida”
Cop: Last name…
“Gomam”
Cop: You’re Frida Gomam?
*peels out*
Cop: Nice, nice
⚠️ Important Reminder:
Date: everything ok?
Me: yeah, sorry. I was just thinking about the death of my wife
Date: oh my gosh, I’m sorry. when was it?
Me: tonight if you play your cards right
I went for a hill walk in the rain yesterday. Anyway long story short, I can still do the splits
Mall Cop: The guy from Jersey Shore stole a spray tan kit. He’s running up the escalator.
[static]
MC: THE SITUATION IS ESCALATING RAPIDLY
Coolest part of meeting your new man’s family is to see the surprise look on the wife’s face
Neighbors across the street have their Christmas lights up, so I invited them to my Easter Egg hunt this afternoon.
Couch Potato: Do you think I’m fat?
Sweet Potato: I think you’re beautiful.
Baked Potato: Why do we have eyes that can’t see?
Shout out to the people wondering what the opposite of in is
[ Medical Website to retrieve your STD test results ]
**SIGN IN WITH FACEBOOK**
My boyfriend thinks I ask “dumb questions” like “would you love me if I were a worm” and then turns around and asks me shit like do I think it would be funny if he started doing Patrick Bateman’s care routine as a bit
I wish gyms had a “montage” option
“Sandwich artist” is a bit pretentious sir when you’re actually a subcontractor.
The divorce rate is almost at 60%. How does Cupid keep his job with that level of failure?
Every time I see a dude in a trench coat i assume he’s going to flash me. When it doesn’t happen, I assume he’s just a spy
Me to the ice maker: Can I please just have a few cub-
Ice dispenser: YOU MUST SACRIFICE 20 CUBES TO THE FLOOR GOD!!!
Snowboarding in Japan hits differently.
[Ice Cream Truck]
John Cena: I’ll take an Icee, please.
Ice Cream Truck Driver: Icee? You?
Cena: *grabs driver’s shirt* No, you can’t.
“you don’t text back” i know, stop texting me
I’m pretty sure all of the 7 dwarfs were named after a stage of Snow Whites’ heroin addiction.
A long time ago a wine expert said ‘it has an okay flavor’ but the guy heard ‘oaky flavor’ & now people want their wine to taste like trees
I will continue putting this peanut butter on the wrong side of each saltine until my demands are met.
Rich people don’t understand cereal
I’m not sure which is worse:
People who force their religion on you…
Or
Anyone who’s ever said “Oh it’s because I’m a Virgo.”
“NO NO NO NO” – the guy who invented folding chairs watching a wrestling match
No…no. Just leave your shirt here and let’s go look for Bigfoot.
~ whiskey
*hires skywriter*
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