Son: Dad, you work so hard and never get any credit. You’re like a superhero!
Dad: Nice try. You’re still not getting the Internet password.
You Might Also Like
No pants were worn during the making of this tweet.
Me: How did Bruce and Alfred build the Batcave all by themselves?
The Lord: I meant any questions about the mysteries of existence
When a kid wants to snuggle it means you’re about to get warmth in your heart and an elbow to every single one of your other organs.
Being the father of teenagers means never trusting the tops of salt shakers ever again.
A friend with a printer is worth 8 regular friends
[the afterlife]
Me: So, this is heaven!
*sees husband* whoa whoa whoa, what’s he doing here?! The contract said til death parts us!Angel: *chuckling*
Me: omg. this is hell, isn’t it.
M: there are so many castles for sale in France!
H: but you wouldn’t know anyone there
M: that’s the best selling point there is!
I’ve finally reached the age where no one asks me to help them move.
Otters drive ottermobiles.
i am yelling at all my family members right now, does anyone need someone yelled at, WILL YELL FOR FREE
Facebook 2007: are you a teenager who wants to find out if your crush is single?
Facebook 2017: are you an aunt who wants revenge
My husband accidentally texted mewting instead of meeting. Now I can’t stop picturing a bunch of kittens in a conference room.
Him: Take off your socks. They don’t belong in bed.
Me: My socks are off, though.
Him: I meant the sock puppets on your hands.
Right sock puppet: Well, you’re no fun.
Left sock puppet: *blows raspberries*
My daughter was one when my twins were born. At the store I had to put their car seats in the grocery cart while she sat in the top seat of the cart.
People would ask me “Where does the food go?” To which I’d always reply, “On my hips and thighs, like most women I know.”
“All dogs love me. He’s friendly! Look how he’s smiling, showing me his teeth.”
“Hey Buddy, let me just grab your collar to read your ta”
And those were his last words
The minute the pilot asked me for “a lil’ help?” spinning one of the plane’s front propellers, I knew I was a little too thrifty planning the family vacation.
A silly but epic reminder of what happens when one person stands up. 😉
Guys, I hate to tell ya this, but applied tiger balm liberally this morning and I’m still not a tiger.
You never get a second chance to make a first impression…
…and so I bite.
(People Touring My House 50 Years After I Die)
TOUR GUIDE: And over here we found a second secret room ALSO full of bacon.
date: i love mussels
me: i hate working out
date: i mean from the sea
me: i’m sorry i can’t be aquaman
If you are having anxiety over something you’ve said or done, just remember that 90% of the world only cares what you look like.
No thanks, ads to buy more followers; I get them the old-fashioned way: by telling them they’re gonna die and I can save them.
My cat just brought me my purse and car keys not sure what he’s trying to tell me.
GOOD COP: cover me!
DAD COP: *tucks him in* snug as a bug
words that seem cool until you find out what they mean
– atrophy
– space bar
– supervision
– extraction
– dogmatic
inventor of the leaf blower: what if we just yelled at leaves until they moved?
ME: i’m gonna join the army
HEAD SURGEON: we say reattach the humerus
cat: *slowly approaches new vase*
me: you don’t wanna do that
vase: *pushes cat off the table*
me: i warned you
If you’re a helicopter pilot and you don’t keep a ‘flying for dummies’ book in your cockpit, you’re missing a great opportunity for a giggle