[sees girl reading To Kill A Mockingbird]
“Ah I love that book. The way he just [clenches fist] kills all those frickin birds.”
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I went out of town for a few days and came home to my dog who seems to want to have a word with me about it.
My Dad used to sing the “1 Potato, 2 Potato, 3 Potato, 4” song with me, then at dinner I’d cry and throw a tantrum because I thought the song meant we were having mashed potatoes that night. Finally Dad said if I couldn’t behave, maybe I shouldn’t come home on college breaks.
Friggin’ narcs ruin everything
I will never think of rock paper scissors the same way again.
me: as soon as I get home from work, I’m going to clean the entire house, get my workout in, and do some work on creative projects
my bed: [chuckles darkly]
[Bar]
Friend: I’m just lucky, I guess. Nothing ever embarrasses me.
Drunk Me: Challenge accepted.
How many light bulbs does it take to change people?
He who must not be selfied.
#Voldemort #HarryPotter
Me: “I’m having a great hair day.”
Wind: “No you’re not.”
I withdraw my argument. I didn’t realise you had a meme to back you up.
If you’re not vacuuming sand out of your car two years later, did you really take it to the beach?
I had a really fun date last night but when I went back to his place he had like an unsettling number of beanbag chairs? Approximately 7? Just isn’t sitting right.
When you don’t even acknowledge I held a door open for you, I want to pull you back inside by your neck, and say “now let’s try this again.”
My wife put toilet paper on automatic purchase and delivery from Amazon so we never run out.
Challenge accepted!
“Being nice to someone costs zero dollars.”
-cheapskates
I didn’t even know my grandma had a gun until I coughed at her house.
Give a man a fish, he’ll eat for a day.
Teach a man to fish, he’ll contribute to the global overdepletion of the ocean.
So give him a salad, maybe.
Mom: Aww she is having so much fun!
Child (blowing bubbles and popping them): I CREATE AND DESTROY. I AM A GOD.
Art Teacher: your drawings are due tomorrow
me: [hours later] maybe add in some grapes
police sketch artist: ..a bowl of fruit attacked you?
STATUS: Using the flashlight on my phone to look for the keys that are in my hand so I can open my car cuz I think I left my phone in there.
Barber: What would you like today?
Me: Make me look attractive.
Barber: CAROL! CANCEL ALL MY APPOINTMENTS!
If I were Obama, I’d totally lead with “My fellow Americans, the situation looks popeless.” #SOTU
My wife wouldn’t let me sling shot candy at trick or treaters tonight.
This is bullshit.
Unfortunately she wasn’t even looking when I was pulling off those sweet moves on the trampoline.
Dad passed away several years ago but every Thanksgiving with the family all together I can’t help but think, you lucky bastard.
Them: “It gave me all the feelings!”
Me: “Literally just name one.”
DATE: I like your shirt.
ME: Well you can’t have it.
Rubbing alcohol is not as effective as drinking it.
I may appear calm on the outside…
…but pigeons are attacking a french fry in my head.
I try to live my life everyday as if it were my last. And who wants to do laundry on their last day? Not me…