He goes out for a run, and doesn’t even stop to sniff any crotches.
Humans are weird.~Dogs.
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No, I don’t wish to see “offensive replies”
what is this, a family reunion?!
To my writer friends. Just keep going. I was rejected over 48 times before I got my 49th rejection.
regrets?
[thinks back to the time i drunkenly watched Spy Kids 3-D & it forever ruined my netflix recommendations]
yeah i’ve got regrets
Why the hell would I use turn signals? I know where we’re going.
If a cougar left her teeth next to my bed in a glass of water was that a tip? Do I have to change the water? Do I feed them like goldfish?
cop: are you high?
me: if i was high could i do this? *vaults over car hood and does 360 no scope*
cop: did you just say “asterisk vaults ov
Please don’t use the phrase, “make love,” unless you’re speaking about what you want to do to a cheeseburger.
My kids just deliberated over which pumpkins to pick at the patch for longer than I deliberated whether to get pregnant with them.
Dear scientists,
We have enough milks stop milking things and cure cancer
Me: Did you know a cockroach can live for weeks with no head?
Him: That’s nothing. Husbands sometimes go for years.
[kidnapped & trapped in trunk]
*hot wires rear blinker lights to communicate with other cars via Morse code*
“I…am…a…vegan”
I hope I’m not the only one who hovers over someone when they use my favorite pen just so they know I’m serious about wanting it back.
[me narrating a documentary about narrators]
“I can’t hear what they’re saying cuz I’m talking”
if I was a witch I’d put really petty spells on people who annoyed me like their bath water will never be quite hot enough, enjoy your slightly mediocre relaxation NOW, Jennifer
[people leaving the reading of my last will and testament]
why did he have so many tamagotchis
(me hosting a paranormal show): you look like you’ve seen a ghost!
Director: for the tenth time please stop saying that
[talking to my son]
Please call me Steve, father was my father’s name
my favorite game is called “Secret Family.” I go to the movies & sit near a group of strangers & pretend they love me
If an Orange tries to sell you drugs, don’t buy them. Chances are you’ve already done enough drugs.
Not sure if I actually like movies or just like looking at something while I eat popcorn.
Parents, stop giving your kids these crazy names. I just found a love letter my son wrote to a girl named “Steven!”
6 was jealous about other kids getting notes in their lunches, so I put one in his:
“Sorry, I ate your pudding. Love, Dad.”
Sorry I bit you I was just checking whether you were cake or not
If you call me “daddy” in bed I will immediately stop what we are doing and make you clean your room
I switched from coffee to orange juice and told my doctor I felt better. He said it’s the vitamin C and natural sugars but I think it’s the vodka
I don’t care how poorly they do, I’m giving my kids straight A’s cause I’m not repeating this shit again next year.
having sex w/ a girl who has multiple personalities would be awesome unless one of those personalities was hitler
My mom still hasn’t used the roomba I bought her two years ago for Christmas because, quote, “I don’t want it to judge our house.”
when ur hate is strong but your bladder’s weak