My coworker carries around a rosary in his hand so that if he gets caught sleeping he can say he was praying
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I bet kangaroos get drunk and find some ridiculous shit in their pouches in the morning.
Avocado is the roulette game of all the fruits.
@truegritrumble @funTweeters The equivalent happened to my mate – he got a bag of carrots for his lunch, his daughter’s horse got his sandwiches
I’m not afraid of dying. I’m afraid of ending up in a nursing home with a roommate who has Justin Bieber posters and Twilight shirts.
*Shrek pre-production meeting*
Producer: Do we have a name for the dragon yet
Guy who named the donkey “Donkey”: I was thinking Dragon sir
[being haunted by the spirit of the man who invented the gif]
*extremely spooky voice* oooo I’m a jhost! Yes, it’s pronounced “jhost”
Of course my summer body is ready, it’s the same as my winter body but sweatier.
I keep having this dream that I’m being carried off by a giant squirrel. Does that make me nuts?
The nicest piece of exercise equipment I own is a stationary bike. It’s actually a regular bike, but it never moves because I don’t ride it.
Acid rain is total bullshit. I stood in it for hours and didn’t even hallucinate one time.
Guy Who Invented Figurative Speech: I’ve got something that’ll blow your minds.
Townspeople: *fleeing in abject terror*
A couple approaches on the beach. He calls her “Allison.” I write, “Marry me, Allison,” in the sand and hide. And now we wait.
5pm me: coffee doesn’t even affect me
4am me: I wonder if I can watch all the YouTube
Daughter’s math homework: Provide an example of
a) a real number
b) an imaginary numberDaughter:
a) the number displayed on Dad’s bathroom scale
b) the weight listed on his driver’s license
Me: can you call me an Uber? It’s too far to walk and it’s getting dark
My spouse: … it’s our mailbox. At the end of our driveway.
My chess strategy is to make a bunch of erratic moves at the beginning to throw my opponent off, & then lose the game
It’s simple …..when life throws you assholes..rip them a new one.
[paper company]
business major: we need to move the stationeryphilosophy major: ah yes the classic paradox
“What’s your name?”
“I am Daenerys Targaryen, Mother of Dragons, Khaleesi to Drogo’s riders-”
*Starbucks barista quits on the spot*
Me: Did you do your laundry like I asked?
Child: No, there’s a huge spider near the washing machine.
Me:
Child:
Me:
Child: Can you-
Me [handing her $10]: Here’s some money for the laundromat.
ROBBER: [looking through a drawer]
ME: [coming downstairs with a hockey stick]
ROBBER: [putting hands up] I’ll leave please don’t hurt me-
ME: Oh my god please don’t tell my wife I’m going to play 2 am hockey
court: counsel why are you yelling your questions from back there?
me: i’ve got my phone plugged in back here your honor.
I’m sick of closing out every job interview with “I was young. I needed the money.”
Kids be quick to tell YOU when you need something from the grocery but call THEM from the grocery and have ‘em check for you and they act like they don’t know what sausage is
It was the best of times.
It was the worst of times.
It had mixed feelings about the times.
4YO: Mom, you just yawned. That means you’re tired.
6YO: No, she just sighed. It means she’s had it with you.
Well, at least my kids are finding new and exciting ways to make my two college degrees meaningless.
If I could have dinner with anyone alive or dead I would pick alive almost every time that way they can split the check
Any minute now these two ziplock halves will actually connect. Any. Minute. Now.
I like how your profile picture is you at your wedding, so are you like a professional bride