starting a garage orchestra
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The bathroom stall at a place like Costco really has no business being out of toilet paper.
I always carry a jar gripper with me in case I’m ever stranded on a deserted island with a jar of salsa. I also always carry a jar of salsa.
My milkshake brings all the hot hazmat suit wearers to my yard
But only one at a time because quarantine
My kidnappers are trying to leave but I bolted the doors shut lol
beginning to think I may never inherit a chocolate factory
Other parents don’t want to be friends with us once they find out our child folds his own laundry and doesn’t need braces.
[Movie theater]
*as the previews begin, I pull an entire ice cream cake out of my refrigerated cooler-purse*
*Buys Samsung smart fridge. Opens app every 15 minutes to see if there’s anything good in there*
My phone encourages me to get exercise, monitors my heart rate and tells me when to go to bed.
I think it’s one of the most nurturing relationships I’ve ever had.
I’ll sleep when I’m dead. But also, 11 hours/night when I’m still alive.
It cannot be a coincidence that I am in the market for a stable girlfriend on the exact same day that Britney becomes single.
Sex is great but have you ever perfectly clapped the hand clapping part of a song?
I finally found my wife’s hiding spot for the Girl Scout cookies. Turns out they were in the cabinet like she showed me right after we bought them
there’s like 20 ppl on this flight and i asked the flight attendant for as much wine as he’s allowed to give me n he was like “holidays are rough buddy they’ll get better” dude i have flight anxiety im not a white woman in a romcom this speech isn’t necessary
A bar and a bra , both drive men crazy when they open .
My kids want a second dog for me to feed, walk and clean up after for Christmas.
Calm down check engine light, if I can run on broken parts, so can you
Adulting so well today. Managed to make the bed while i was still in it.
Now to figure out how to get out, without messing it up.
For Sale: Baby Shoes. Heavy wear, like it looks like the baby has been working construction downtown. There’s plaster on them.
5 Minute Crafts be like:
-cut a straw longways
– iron it flat
-soak it in ice water
-use your .001″ curling iron
-then glue it together
And now you have a straw!
Sorry I asked, “Is it friendly?” & tried to pet your baby.
My grandpa used to eat onion sandwiches so yeah he and my grandma slept in separate bedrooms.
A curse:
May your children do impersonations of you that are both embarrassing and perfectly accurate.
Just picturing a bunch of roombas praying to a statue of a full sized vacuum cleaner
Groot is a tree but he doesn’t have roots. They should just call him G.
Wife: WHY are the boys wearing fishnet stockings?
Me: You SAID they needed to learn how to Cher.
My plans: 2020:
“amateurs”
~ Mick Jagger browsing duck lip selfies
Me: *Making a wish as I throw a quarter into the fountain*
Coworker: He’s ruining the fondue again!
I hate when that happens.