Thought about doing many things today but that’s as far as I got.
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I deserve a reward for backing out of my driveway without hitting one blade of grass, a sprinkler head, or a small tree.
[1st date]
Her: I have a confession. [Sigh] Sometimes, I see dead people.
Me: [An idiot zombie, taking off my disguise] What a RELIEF.
dream jobs:
• soup reviewer
• seer who prophesies your doom
• old lady who solves crimes in a little english village
• old lady who COMMITS crimes in a little english village
me: i wonder what geese do at night
goose: [in a surveillance van] dammit we’re running out of time
Wife: How many beers is that for you today, dear?
Me: Like 4 maybe. 5 tops.
Wife: I counted 19.
Me: Well I rounded down.
Holy Communion:
PRIEST:”This is the body of Christ. Take it ”
ME:”Uum,can I instagram it first?”
*We laughed & then I was excommunicated*
chumbawamba: I get knocked down
me: so relatable
chumbawamba: but I get up again
me: oh nevermind
Someone had to say it 🤷♂️
listen kid, i have social media profiles older than you
No expert, but pretty sure the chickens need a new toner cartridge now
King sized beds are tricky. Although you get more bed room, you also get less bedroom.
i’m not getting my boyfriend a PS5 because then i’d have to get ALL my boyfriends a PS5 and that’s just not financially feasible for me rn
Top Four Signs of Job Security:
4. Promotions and raises
3. Specialized skills
2. Top producer
1. Compromising photos of the boss
Me: That tree is impeckable
“Don’t you mean impeccable?”
*cut to woodpecker with a broken beak*
Me: No. Also how did you pick up on that?
who’s ready for the long weeknd?
museum guide: america was founded on july 4, 1776
me: [nodding sagely] ah yes so its a Cancer. this explains everythig
Police – they really trashed your house, anything missi-
Me – hmmm? No, this is how it always looks
Roses are red
violets are blue
celery is green
bees are black and yellow
please help me I can’t stop
pumpkins are orange
satan is vermillion
edibles don’t work unless you talk shit about them first LMAO
I’m a vegetarian for the health reasons. Now pass the cheese fries.
The most I’ve ever paid for sex was ‘marriage.’
“Deb, every year I tell you I don’t want to do a holiday card, you tell me it will be fine, and then Junior does something obnoxious in the photo that you claim is ‘cute.’ And look, we’re right on schedule.”
Why do my kids have Veteran’s Day off, they haven’t done shit.
dealer: *rifling through bags* hey these are full of cotton
baa baa black sheep: uhhh
dealer: *narrows eyes*
farmer listening in a nearby van: shit, he’s been made
NOTICE: Drive thru weddings at the First State Bank from 6-10pm. Put $50 in the money drawer and out comes a marriage license and two rolls of Smarties. God bless.
Heading out crocodile.
See you another time alligator.
If you say “I knew you were going to say that” enough.
You can start billing people for psychic readings.
People obsessed with how much I bench need to #chill. It’s not like Coke publishes their recipe online for morrons to study.
Strangers are friends you haven’t met yet.
Friends are lovers you haven’t kissed yet.
Lovers are corpses you haven’t killed yet.