My wife tried on my cargo shorts and now they have fake pockets.
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Had great idea for site for recent law grads called BarelyLegal .com. Turns out name was already taken. And their idea was much better.
If my memory gets any worse I’ll be able to plan my own surprise party
rival dad next door thinks he has the best lawn but joke’s on him because i just sold my house to a professional landscaper. CHECKMATE.
Overthrowing governments actually sounds pretty coup
My financial advisor recommended I join a doomsday cult.
Animals who have bright colors and patterns in the wild are considered dangerous and shouldn’t be messed with.
*Updates work wardrobe to bright, loud colors and patterns*
*shaves, waxes lip, plucks eyebrows*
Okay, weigh me now.
When my new neighbor dies, I’m going to hire the same tree removal service he has outside my window right now to work during his burial.
My 2yo was swinging a wooden spoon around and it hit me in the head so I told him “please be gentle with that.” He paused for a minute then started petting the spoon like it was a cat.
Guys, stop telling women “you’re beautiful” get creative. Tell her she looks like she could beat Taylor Swift in a fight. Tell her she looks like she could make nachos that would **ck you up for a week. Tell her she reminds you of a guy you knew in prison.
Pro tip: when a cop asks you to step out of the car, don’t reply with “I’m too drunk, you get in.”
I support Greenpeace because I care about environmental activism, just not enough to do any of the real work myself.
In high school we had a thing called Ethics Day put on by Chick-Fil-A where they would give out coupons for free chicken sandwiches. My friends and I found the book of all the coupons and stole it. The devils of Ethics Day.
When the delivery of your fridge sounds like a threat. 🤣😂
A group of toddlers is called a migraine
Actor Eddie Murphy nailed America’s cultural bias nearly 30 years ago.
In honor of Mother’s Day here’s my favorite text my mom has ever sent me
Told my husband I was going hiking with our 10yo and he replied “If you don’t survive, who gets all your books?” when he knows very well the correct response was “Who are you and what have you done with my wife?”
I’ve been secretly moving my clocks ahead one minute every day since June so we can celebrate New Year’s and get all the kids to bed 3-1/2 hours early without them knowing.
Got a tattoo of my mom telling me not to get a tattoo
bank collapse? no worries here, all my money is tied up in the groceries i bought this weekend
I just apologized profusely to a spider as I was killing it. The spider is also Canadian so it said “oh yeah no for sure, it’s ok.”
Donkey I Shreked the Kids
I feel this pandemic is the worst group project I’ve ever been a part of in my entire life for real.
Me: please bbc just tell me who the new Doctor is I won’t ask for anything else ever please
BBC: *reveals new Doctor*
Me: Nice!!
…
…Me: please bbc just tell me who the new companion is I won’t ask for anything else ever plea-
I have so many questions.
127 hours but when he finally cuts his arm it’s a cake
October is when everyone changes their handle and their avi and now I’m completely lost.
the other one is “smunchy” which is we stopped making the smooth peanut butter early. i’m close to becoming a smooth peanut butter guy just so i can eat a finished product