I got so excited about my new pill box that now Alexa won’t stop suggesting assisted living facilities.
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Woo! Let’s get this weekend started!
*Starts doing laundry*
I made eye contact with my neighbor while taking out the trash and instead of doing something normal, I did a curtsey
I drank half a bottle of NyQuil and tried to call Audrey Hepburn on my microwave
Current life status – By the time I figure out what nostril is plugged, it jumps to the other side.
*First day as a forest ranger*
Me: *using radio* I found a badly mangled buck out here
Boss: That means there’s a bear nearby
Me: Yep *narrows eyes* and it hates money
Norwegian stuntmen are like, “I HAVE TO CROSS THE FJORD,” and then they jump over the hjood.
Apple has solved laptop theft by making them obsolete by the time thieves get out the door.
“We were trapped in the elevator and had to make a terrible decision”
Which was?
“We ate Bill”
OMG. How long were you in there?
“4 minutes”
If you don’t let me in the bathroom, I can’t guarantee your safety when you pee.
~dogs, apparently
I take great pride in the fact that I have told you “the stupidest thing you’ve ever heard” in more than one argument
The only time that my wife screams my name in bed is when I break wind in my sleep.
Cats spend two thirds of their lives sleeping, and the other third making viral videos.
[Batman in tears]
Catwoman left me
Oh no what happened?!
I left the door open and she just bolted
what’s more important?
That time I pointed out to the guy trying to sell a magazine subscription that I have a “No Soliciting” sign and he rolled his eyes and said, “Yeah but I’m not soliciting, I’m selling”. Thus ends the tale of why I have a “do not disturb” sign.
If by environmentalist you mean “I try to get out of doing things by saying it’s bad for the environment” then yes, I’m an environmentalist.
Me: I hate math.
Also me: If I cut my shower down to three minutes and breakfast down to ten, I can hit the nine-minute snooze two more times and only be five minutes late.
My Fitbit mistook my panic attack for high intensity interval training.
I miss the good old days, when more people were catapulted.
Beautiful day in Ohio. Went out for a run but I was back home in a couple of minutes because I forgot something. I forgot that I’m old and fat and can’t run for more than two minutes. if that.
People think I’m being fancy when I wear a dress for the holiday but the joke’s on them because I’m about to absolutely smash like 20lbs of food and baby this thing is built not only for style but for COMFORT
Not to brag, but I think I’d make a good poster child for population control
I put my earbuds on just like everybody else. Frantically as someone approaches.
Glade bathroom spray- because everyone loves the smell of someone crapping on a rose bush.
I don’t drink alcohol, I drink spirits.
I’m not an alcoholic, I am spiritual.
The guy at the gym said rest days are really important, so I’ve been resting for 6 years.
even worse than arguing with a stupid person online is when an even stupider person joins in but they’re on your side
A Trojan ball of yarn shows up at the cat lady’s house and 40 squirrels come running out.
There was a time when all I needed was to feed my grandpa’s goldfish, play with fridge magnets, and drink a 7up with a cherry… but daylight savings ruins everything
I ate 2 Three Musketeers candy bars. That’s SIX musketeers. Which is 5 musketeers too many.