Maybe being fat isn’t bad, it just sounds awful because we say ‘morbidly obese’. Let’s switch it to ‘cheerfully obese’ and see what happens.
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A beloved neighborhood bagel shop called Schmear We Go Again
Why are so many men suddenly curious who my father is right in the middle of our lovemaking?
I get lots of strange looks because not only do I laugh at inappropriate times but I’m a very loud laugher, it’s a real detriment when you think of a joke while having sex.
As my girlfriend was trying on jeans, a clerk asked her “Need a bigger size?” I saw the look on her face and went to make room in the trunk.
Basically every plane is missing to me. I couldn’t tell you where a single plane is
Mugger: Put all your cash in this bag.
Me, caught up in a MLM scheme: What if I told you that instead of money I have the power to be my own boss?
Mugger: Oh wow you really have nothing.
Me: Come and rob me in like four weeks I swear I’ll have so much money
ad for vacations:
how would you like to feel extremely tired somewhere else
“The first rule of Fight Club is: You do not talk-”
*Greg burps*
“-actually, you know what, Greg? It’s manners. The first rule is manners.”
Every woman has an inbox. She carries it with her just in case she gets male.
Stop pronouncing it “pecan.” Everyone knows it’s “pecan.”
Whoever said imitation is the sincerest form of flattery hasn’t had a 7yo mimicking their every word for the last 10 minutes.
If you are farther than me in candy crush I will automatically think you are smarter than me.
30% of the world’s coal production is used by Santa to insult our shittiest children
<first date>
Him: *wipes mouth and tosses napkin on unfinished plate*
Me: *seductively slides napkin to the side and finishes his meal*
My girlfriend wants me to stain the new wooden fence in her backyard. So I’m going to eat spaghetti over it for a few weeks
I think my wife discovered that I opened a new bag of chips before the old one was finished. Just in case I suddenly disappear.
Between my education and helping four children with their homework, I’ve studied approximately 27 years of Algebra.
[1st time at a crime scene]
Cop: What do you think happened?Me: The killer murdered these people by trapping them in these body bags
Cop: um we put them on
Me: Another good theory
[1st ever peacock to open up his tail]
hey fellas, I dunno what it is, but
i. feel. fantastic.
[performance review]
boss: from now on you’re getting supervision
me: yes!!
boss: wait, that doesn’t mean–
me: *already smashing my glasses*
*sees girl at bar*
Hey baby, wanna get outta here?
“Sure!”
Good, you’re really killing the vibe.
Apparently when your wife asks you to get your toddler off your bed she doesn’t mean knock him off with a pillow
“Finally there’s Whatsapp stories!” – said no one ever
Note to self: I am a note
purposely bought tall lace up boots so I’ll never have to be anywhere on time again
If you do not stop arguing I WILL turn this car around and around and around creating a time vortex teleporting me back to before I had kids
TEXTING 101
ME: Hi
College son:
ME: How are you?
CS:
ME: Are you still alive?
CS: …
CS:
CS:
ME: I can cut off your phone
CS: Hi Ma love u
I asked this homeless lady if I could take her home. She said yes, so I walked off with her cardboard box.
Friend’s 3 yr old: DO YOU THINK I’M A DOLLAR BILL?!
Me:
Friend, *embarrassed*: He means “adorable”
Don’t you hate it when you claw your way out of your grave just to realize you left your keys in the coffin?