With the amount of times I lick the spoon while cooking, I might as well tongue kiss each guest upon arrival
No one comes over anymore :/
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It’s rude to upstage the bride on her wedding day but that’s exactly what’s going to happen when I burst into flames as I enter the church.
“It’s not about who’s right or wrong.”
~ The person that is wrong
Farm to table seasonal menus are hilarious. In August there are 17 fresh vegetable dishes described in flowing prose capped with perfectly framed Walt Whitman quotes and in January there are two sides that come down to “Jason’s sister-in-law found a bag of potatoes in the garage”
OBI WAN KENOBI: These are not the droids you’re looking for
GUARD: [licks lips] I’m not looking for droids handsome
For sale: chocolate aeroplane, mint condition.
My friend: I was waiting here and all was normal and then suddenly all hell broke loose
Me:
Me: So, you’ve been waiting at this bus stop since 2019?
commenting “so brave” on every couple photo on valentine’s day, as a treat
DOCTOR: Mrs. Nice Guy? I’m so sorry, but I have some terrible news…
“2! 4! 6! 8! Who do we appreciate?
Nobody!!!! Hahahahahaha!”
-Teenagers
Did you ever think about ten years ago you’d be saying.. “I really hope this is a chick I’m talking to”.
Prayers for my teen who has a long, uphill battle overcoming her mom hugging her at the bus stop.
I love it when people use completely innocuous, random objects as an insult but I am no good at it, “you complete and utter mango!” “What a total pillowcase!” See!?
wife: what time is it
me, trying to set the world record for longest anyone has gone without bending their elbows: you know I can’t see my watch
I just did my budget for June. If I don’t buy food … I won’t need toilet paper.
I think I’m on to something here.
In my dreams last night, I met God. He gave me the manuscript for His novel to read, but I never read it, & I had to avoid Him in the town.
When I said “Leave me and save yourselves” I did not expect them to agree so quickly
My girlfriend knows every single important date in our relationship history and I know she hates olives. She loves olives? Something olives.
The toughest part of any long distance relationship is the 6 hour drive to slash their tires.
Date: so you’re a handyman?
Me: no I just do odd jobs
Date: like what
Me: yesterday I taught a duck karate
when girls eat strawberries it’s like sexy and hot but when i eat an entire potato in one bite like a snake it’s weird???? ok
cutting bell peppers and adding googly eyes is bound to heal your soul a little, give it a try
I’m uncomfortable with flirting. I never know at what point I show the guy I’m able to put my entire fist in my mouth.
WIFE: How could you spend our money on this?
ME: *Dressing ducklings in tiny raincoats* They live outside, Karen. They need this.
*Arrives at airport checkin*
Me: I’ve never been to the rainforest. I’m really excited!
-Ticket please
Me: [Hands her Amazon Gift Card]
[bar closing time]
Do you wanna come over to my place?
Her (flirtatious af): oh yeah
Ok hold on..
*dials phone*
Mom? Can you pick me up now?
Me: Can I get a 12 inch sub?
Naval officer: They’re usually a lot bigger
In case you wanted to mess with me, just know I went 10 for 10 at trivia last night on the round about famous female killers.
[before sex]
ME: Did you notice I waxed?
WIFE: I wondered what happened to your eyebrows