Nothing is as heavy as a page that needs turning.
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Sure breakups are hard, but have you ever had to wait for your phone to stop ringing you so you can start using it again?
[Weights bench at the gym]
ME: …327…328…329…
PERSONAL TRAINER: Can you please stop counting ceiling tiles and do some exercise
[showing my 4yo a Slinky]
me: look, it’s walking down the stairs
kid: what else can it do
me: literally nothing
I think it’s bad coaching to tell kids to choke up on the bat. matter of fact i don’t think children should be eating baseball bats at all.
911: What’s your emergency, sir?
Me: I’m being taken away by ducks! I’m being-
911: Please don’t do this, sir
M: AbDUCKted!
911: *hangs up*
Tombstones should just say how old the person was. I don’t wanna walk around doing grave math.
6km run followed by a blueberry muffin for breakfast… life is all about balance people! 😆
You’d better have a great day today
Don’t MAKE me have a great day FOR you 💪
Avoid getting invited to family reunions by asking your relatives for money.
♫ Hey there Delilah, for your word spell Mississippi
“May I have the definition?”
The state siblings can get frisky ♪
and cousins toooo ♫
[uses Ant-Man tech to carry around a bunch of dogs in my pocket]
nobody told me when you make a video game you have to make the whole thing
At the store & asked for 50 condoms. 2 girls behind me started laughing. I turned around & looked them in the eyes and said, “Make it 52”
I wonder how many people die each year as a result of lifeguards running in slow motion.
I’d throw you a flower, infact, I’d throw you an entire plant.
Focused so much on my cupboard making hobby, that I ended up pushing my friends and family away. Now I’m all alone, it’s just me, my shelf and I
I love overhearing dog owners talking to their dogs
eg, I was petting this dog who seemed happy but then suddenly growled at me, so I left
As I turned the corner I could hear his owner saying to him reproachfully, “You always do this, Oscar, you drive away all your friends”
The only difference between a psychiatrist and a drug dealer is that the drug dealer doesn’t make you wait an hour.
#Caturday
Stop me if you’ve heard this one
Daddy I’m full
Ok, but the kitchen is closed for the night
(after cleaning up dinner)
Daddy I’m hungry
SPOUSE: Why is there a cow in the front yard?
ME: Remember how I really wanted a riding lawnmower, but we couldn’t afford one?
SPOUSE: Yeah.
ME: Well, for entirely unrelated reasons I stole a cow.
Curious George Turns Off Google Image Safe Search
[Fancy restaurant]
DATE: *seductively* I like a man who knows what he wants
ME: *way too loudly* THERE’S NOT ENOUGH KETCHUP ON MY TATER TOTS
My husband and I finished another Netflix show together so now we don’t have anything in common again.
I don’t know why I would ever look to Google for reassurance when it keeps me well-fed with headlines like, “The No. 1 Sign There’s a Snake in Your Car”
big fan of the comma, just great. like look, i just made you pause the sentence as you read it. oh look, i just did it again.
Don’t be concerned whether your kid will like his or her name when they grow up. You’re the one who should like it because you’re the one that’s going to be yelling it all the damn time.
Q: My daughter will not eat fish, what can I replace it with?
A: A cat. Cats love fish.
Small blessings, like when the mirror fogs up and you can’t see yourself when you get out of the shower, naked.