Fun fact: Girls who tweet about sports will not do that thing you like.
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Nothing is as heavy as a page that needs turning.
*Dial-up modem gets on stage at a whale rap battle*
“BEEEEEWoooooo BLEEeeeeee BING bing ping”
*drops mic**stunned whale crowd loses it*
*narrows eyes*
You wouldn’t write it like that unless you poisoned the firgs
I just put on jeans right out of the dryer and my Fitbit exploded.
I got IDd last night, but as I was rummaging around in my purse for my ID, the dude saw my checkbook and said “nevermind” 😭😒🤣 FIRST OF ALL
Dads will wake up at 5 AM so they have more time in their day to tell everyone they woke up at 5 AM.
Me: I want to be a part of the Avengers.
Nick Fury: What special powers do you have?
Me: *buys popcorn and doesn’t start eating them until the movie starts*
Nick Fury: Holy shit!
Sorry you asked a yes or no question and I talked for 12 days
A police officer came up to me yesterday and asked, Where were you between four and five?
I said, Kindergarten.
(home depot)
frosty: so…i hear this is where I can find a snowblower
Note to self:
Next time your migraine specialist asks “How’s your head?” Don’t reply with “No man has ever complained.”
Blackberry users thought of making a joke abt the Apple-Samsung battle, but before they cud tweet thr phone hanged n battery drained out
34 year old male arrested for having sex with a clock in the middle of a Target®. now he’s doing time for doing time
Cauliflower’s mom: you can be anything you want baby
Broccoli’s mom: [arranging marriage with cheese] this is all you get, sweetheart
I’m the kind of mom who burns one side of the grilled cheese, serves it to her kid with the non-burned side up, and crosses her fingers.
If you can’t say anything nice, say something funny.
You’ve heard of Christ on a cracker, now get ready for Beelzebub on a biscuit
Interviewer: your resume says you’re an excellent waiter
Me:
Interviewer:
Me:
Interviewer:
Me:
Interviewer: holy shit you’re hired
I would organize my thoughts but I’m afraid they would form a union and demand benefits.
I just saw some idiot at the gym put his water bottle in the Pringle holder on the treadmill.
You’re telling me that you paid eight dollars for a cup of coffee…
They don’t put any booze in it or nothin?
Posting “wow pretty problematic” under every single person’s Spotify wrapped and then responding “it’s not my job to educate you” when they ask what I mean by that.
Obi-wan: *holding baby* Let’s make her a famous princess
Droid: What about the other baby?
Obi-wan:*shrugs* Dump him in a desert somewhere
*knock knock*
“Sir, this is the police, open the door immediately”
“But I’m having a poo”
“We know sir, the phone box has glass sides”
“Your package is running late and no one is more surprised and upset than we are.”
—Lies Amazon tells me.
My favorite part of The Bachelor is when a crazy emotional girl starts crying and he’d rather kiss her snot-nosed face than listen to her.
[watching Friends]
NIECE: I love this show
ME: aw I loved it when I was ten too *ruffles her hair* you are gonna have such unrealistic expectations for how close your adult friendships will be
ME: Sorry I made things weird in bed last night
WIFE: Ok, but you’re still wearing the Shrek mask.
I go to the bank wearing a Ski mask because I want everyone to know how athletic I am.
My kids have been helping our neighbors in their garden and now I’m having Children of the Corn flashbacks.