Cashier at the liquor store wished me “Happy Holidays”…
As if I’m not going to be back three more times before Christmas.
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Today Mother phoned asked me what I was doing . I said I was on Google maps and looking at her house .She asked if I could see her waving .
“Dad what IS the moon?”
It is cheese. Delicious cheese. Thats why rats come out at nite, to look at it. We must never let rats on the moon.
If you send me a work memo on the weekend I respond with Linkin Park lyrics.
ME: it’s like we never see eye to eye
MY VESTIGIAL TWIN: lol that would be super weird
*Answers door naked*
Jehovah’s Witnesses… 😲
Me: Do you have a moment to let me tell you about my sex life? Here, have this pamphlet.
I’m giving a best man speech at my brother’s third wedding, and I’m going to open with “hi, it’s me again.”
her: what are you, like, six feet?
me: *muffled foot noises*
My toddler told me to open my mouth and close my eyes and then proceeded to eat the surprise herself. She’s clearly ready for adulthood
Me: we’re having toad in the hole for breakfast
Pet toad: WHAT
I fall in love too easily.
Wait..
It’s ditches, I fall in ditches too easily
Memes like this are the reason I still use social media.
LIFE HACK: eat a cookie evry time u hav a good idea. this asociates idea w/ cookie. now evry time u eat a cookie u will think of a good idea
I accidentally poured too much hot sauce onto my lunch and damn if my life excitement didn’t just increase tenfold
I crave feet in the sand, a gentle ocean breeze, the sun on my face, and two entirely new presidential candidates.
Thanks a lot bathroom doors with the gender written in weird symbols. I just want to pee, not solve a sudoku puzzle.
Nobody is hungrier than a child who’s just been told it’s time for bed.
According to HR, I have “a tendency to rub some people the wrong way”, which is disappointing, cuz I was aiming for ALL of ‘em.
#WhyDoPeopleThinkItsOkayTo replace letters in words with numbers….well now i don’t feel like reading the math equation you just sent me
Nothing is worse than seeing a gorgeous girl that I’d never approach or stand a chance with and then finding out she has a boyfriend
no one who’s ever been hit in the head with a softball calls it a softball
me: you know what, make it a double
proctologist: what?
OPTIMIST: this glass is Half Full
PESSIMIST: this glass is Half Empty
GLASS: actually my name is Carl
*rolls up sleeves*
*gets high on sleeves*
MAYOR’S TIP: before you spend 20 minutes blowing an air mattress, make sure it’s really an air mattress, and not Gary hiding under a blanket
Any bird can be a woodpecker if it’s stupid enough
Rented a Bowflex machine because it was the path of leased resistance.
Nephew just whispered something into a Cadbury Easter Bunny’s ears then broke off its head.
I’m sleeping with the lights on.
[First date]
Date: so you’re profile said you’re a big Taylor Swift fan. You must like her a lot.
Me (74 feet tall): I like her a moderate amount
I just hid a big bag of Easter peanut butter cups in the back of the freezer. In July I’ll find them and be very pleased then convinced I have dementia.