I, too, enjoy McDonald’s sausage biscuits. We will dialogue further, you and I.
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I’ve never been cut in half by a magician, but I have worn jeans on Thanksgiving. Same thing
You fools! Whether or not
Die Hard is a Christmas movie doesn’t really matter. The tradition of arguing over it is what counts. 🎄🎅🏻🌃
Alien Archeologist: this human was buried covered in chicken bones, we theorize he believed in a poultry afterlife.
Me: (25,000 years earlier, climbing into a KFC dumpster in the dead of night)
Therapist: What do we say when we’re feeling sad?
Me: I need a drank n’ a tranq.
Therapist: No.
Can’t, I’m in big trouble with the wife. I didn’t notice a new piece of furniture for two months.
I can’t imagine the things this hotel air conditioner has seen.
If asked at a job interview “what’s your biggest weakness”, test their tolerance for honesty by replying “mortality”
Giving someone a Dunkin Donuts gift certificate for their birthday is the perfect way to say “I love you” and “I hate you” at the same time
cop: do you know why i pulled you over
me: can you just shoot me please
I never thought geometry would be any use to me in the real world, but look at me now, one more game of beer pong to win back my house.
if I was a zebra and I carried a wallet in my mouth I’m guessing a lot of people would assume it didn’t belong to me and that sucks
I just heard the phrase “murdered to death” and wondered if there’s any other option
Cinderella is my favorite fairy tale about how foot size is the best way to recognize someone.
The monster under my bed sleeps with one leg out from under the blankets too.
DATE: dessert?
MY BRAIN: im full
MY STOMACH: i want food
DATE: one piece of chocolate wont hurt
MY DOG: THAT MAN IS TRYIMG TO KILL MY OWNER
Ticket Clerk: Enjoy the film!
Me: U too!
TC: Really? You’ll take me with u?
Me: I didn’t mean..
TC: Oh, I see
Me: I’m sor
TC: [sobs] JUST GO
JUDGE: So to be clear, you’re pleading not guilty to stealing the child’s shoes?
ME: [heelies up to the mic] That’s correct
Whoever stole my copy of Microsoft Office is in big trouble. You have my Word.
I don’t know much about women but they love containers that hold smaller containers.
her: wanna go upstairs
me: ok
her: do u have protection
me: [nervously] why what’s up there
Marriage is telling your partner they’re wrong but in an optimistic way.
Please help me bring my daughter and her boyfriend home safe!
Natalie Anderson and Enmanuel Rodriguez have been missing since 6pm Monday evening. This is the last time I spoke to them. They took their dog, Sky camping and planned to return on Wednesday. When we spoke they’d
It’s crazy that you get in trouble for trafficking drugs across the border. What if you were just doing someone a favor?
Are you ok, human???
I lost my camouflage wallet, so if you happen to see it, then it’s shitty camouflage and I don’t want it back
[ undercover stake out ]
me, adjusting fake mustache: all clear, how bout you
donut wrapped in lettuce: *vegetable noises*
Wildflowers are just regular flowers that go clubbing until 4 a.m. and snort coke off of each other’s tramp stamps.
Ouija™ board by Milton Bradley – because if anyone can bridge the gap between the living and the dead, it’s the folks who brought you Hungry Hungry Hippos.
A boogaloo is just a haunted igloo.
People who say “teamwork makes the dream work” are the reason that some people want to punch other people in the face.