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I put my fake Christmas tree up in record time
then compulsively fluff it for a month.
Bread:
-Good
-Tasty
-Has not yelled at me
-Is bread
-Can be eaten
-Might sing (unconfirmed)
-Only contains more bread within (confirmed)
-Does not treat me differently just because I am not bread
-Has never attacked me
-Is not something bad like falling over or never eating bread
I once dated a woman named Kim who hated to be called Kimberly. Then I dated a woman named Chelsea who really hated to be called Kimberly
Arrange marriage are scary. What if my husband doesn’t like my boyfriend? 🙄
You have to be careful with people. You give someone the wrong look and they’ll tell you their whole life story.
agent: *getting tortured* do your worst
villain: why would i do that
agent: it’s just… i was trying to sound tough
villain: i’m always doing my best
agent: i know. you’re doing great
villain: thanks
What lies at the bottom of the ocean and twitches?
A nervous wreck.
#HatDadJoke
Trying a thing where I convince my boss today is Friday. Wore jeans, asked about her weekend plans, emailed her the Friday cafeteria specials & wished her a great weekend. Happy Friday everyone!
It doesn’t matter how angrily I type in my password. I am still wrong.
my wife went to Costco 3 hours ago and now she’s ignoring my calls. this can’t be a good sign.
Impressing the woman sitting next to me on the plane by scrolling through all the games on my Nintendo Switch and muttering “too easy” under my breath at each one.
There’s only two types of people in the world; people who think they can categorize everything, and people who are not morons.
Me: “I’ll drink to that!”
Them: “Nobody said anything.”
Me: “I’ll drink to that!”
ME: I dreamed about you last night
PIZZA DELIVERY GUY: please just sign your receipt so I can leave, sir
I only sleep with people who make me laugh.
Luckily, I find myself hilarious.
i watch horror movies on the toilet so i can be scared shitless
I like my women how I like my government: open and unprotected.
This forest scent air freshener is really working. Three elk have moved into my living room.
[ DEATH CERTIFICATE ]
Cause of Death: Sent girlfriend Eye Roll Emoji
ME: I wish I could fix this problem
SOLUTION TO MY PROBLEM: Hey there-
ME: [avoiding eye contact] If only there was a way…
As spooky season approaches, my very interested toddler has been asking “WHAT HIM NAME?” when we see a skeleton or other ghoulish figure on someone’s lawn, and since “I don’t know” is unacceptable to people who are almost 3, I have been spitballing names of people I don’t like.
If I wake and then I bake, I pray The Lord for chocolate cake. Amen.
This is ridiculous: “www” contains THREE TIMES more syllables than the phrase it is ‘short’ for, “world wide web.”
My mama always said: “If you can’t say anything nice, try to mumble it under your breath…”
vet: I need to give your dog some shots
me: no he doesn’t drink
My wife and I are having a fitness competition. She is out running, and I am wondering if the dog will drink Red Bull and wear my tracker.
Your leftovers looking at you from the back of the fridge as you order Postmates again
Welcome to your 40s, your eyebrows are now a federally protected wildlife habitat.
At what age do you tell your kids that the UN isn’t real
Just watched a guy walk out of the tanning place and immediately light a cigarette. Slow down, buddy. Don’t get all the cancer today!