My reaction to most music that has been released in the last ten years is “what did they just say?”
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[the ghost of christmas future points at my grave] finally im dead [i lay down in the grave] stop kicking me ghost im not learning anything
left my toddler unsupervised with a bottle of glitter glue
most librarians are not supportive of me practicing mime despite 𝘤𝘭𝘦𝘢𝘳𝘭𝘺 adhering to the volume guidelines
Some people just want to watch the world bake at 350° for 45 minutes.
Never hate someone for the color of their skin or who they love. Hate them for putting mayo on a hotdog. That person deserves it
When customers come in 6 hours before closing
[restaurant]
Manager: You’re fired.
Me: Why?!
Manager: You’re a bad waiter.
Me: *sitting with a family waiting for their food* I disagree.
Coffee in the morning
More coffee at night
Coffee in the afternoon
Unless you wanna fight
If someone sends you a link marked ‘Madonna Singing Naked in the Bathtub’ don’t open it.
It’s Madonna singing naked in a bathtub.
Sometimes sorry seems to be the hardest word, but usually it’s antidisestablishmentarianism.
If your wife makes a comment and you ask “how is that my problem?” It just became your problem.
Invention of the hug:
“You look sad. Let me choke your whole body”
You can tell a lot about people, you just don’t need to.
My first crush was a cartoon lion and I often wonder how he’s doing today
I just bought orange juice and wine. No, not for mimosa’s. Orange juice for my husband, because he is sick. Wine for me, because my husband is sick.
Me: *Living in the US for 16 years*
Me: *Calls mom in India everyday 9PM*
Mom: *Everyday* What time is it there?
Therapist: And what do we do when we’re feeling angry?
Me: *revving chainsaw*
Therapist: No.
Slim pickings in the Valentines card aisle this morning. Wish me luck as I transform “Uncle” to look like “Wife.”
Many people make the mistake of assuming @funTweeters is a bot without realizing that there are clearly real human emotions at stake. Follow
Just remember Mom, you can’t spell “disappointment” without “appointment” which reminds me I have to be at Hooters at 9 for my interview.
[at a restaurant]
me: i think i misread your tinder bio
squirtle: squirtle.
You know you’re too drunk to drive when you swerve to miss a tree then realise it was your air freshener.
Some people will tell you mosquitoes and spiders play an important role in nature and I’m here to tell you we don’t need those people either
Not recommended for beginners.
Me: So you’re allergic to avocados?
Her: Yup…
Me: Like a vampire?
Her: No that’s garlic.
Me: Oh, like a werewolf?
Her: No, those are silver bullets.
Me: Not avocado bullets?
Her: Don’t…
Me:
Her: Don’t do it…
Me: Fired from a…
Her: *sigh*
Me: Glockamole…
Her: I hate you
“NO SHIT!”
~Urinals
FRIEND: What’s your favorite underground band?
ME: Hmm…The Beatles
FRIEND: They’re not really considered underground
ME: Half of them are
*sees baby*
*feels sad that my kids aren’t babies anymore*
*sees look of exhausted despair in baby’s parents eyes*
*sadness evaporates*
when you say the word “spit” you have at least two opportunities to do so
It’s bullshit that you can accidentally make a baby, but not something awesome like a soufflé.