“How can I help you?
Hi I’d like a root canal
“Are you a patient here?”
No
“Who referred you to us?”
No one
“Ok then why-”
I have a Groupon
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Mario: you’re a dinosaur.
Yoshi: ok.
Mario: you can jump really high.
Yoshi: nice.
Mario: you eat things with your long tongue.
Yoshi: makes sense.
Mario: i’m gonna ride you off a cliff.
Yoshi: wait-what?
Mario: don’t worry i’ll jump off before I get hurt.
I wonder why nobody told Forrest Gump’s mom that all you have to do is flip over the box of chocolates and it tells you what’s inside.
*job interview*
Me: Do you think my plants get disgusted when I have sex in front of them?
Interviewer: I.. I meant questions about the job
A reverse tornado appears. It roars toward you, the angry funnel cloud planting a row of small red houses, one car landing in front of each. Then a park is scribbled into existence circled by a pleasant tree-lined pathway. As it passes over you, it places a nice hat on your head.
Captain America: ok Avengers, we can defeat Ultron if we work as a team. Remember, no man is an island
Island Man: oh come on not this again
Dominos just called to let me know my pizza’s on the way. They correctly assumed I’d need time to find my pants.
Wine is like tapdancing, I can never tell if it’s good or bad
Customer Service: How does the name appear on your credit card?
Me: If i had to guess, I’d say it’s 11 pt. Arial bold.
All I’m saying is if getting weighed naked at the doctor’s office wasn’t discouraged, people’s weight at home and at the doctor’s office would be much closer.
You wash your hands more now, sure, but it’s still been a year since you’ve cleaned your microwave.
When she checks her bank statement and go “what are these PlayStation Network charges”
*At restaurant trying to impress date*
Me: How are these prepared?
Waiter: The dinosaur chicken nuggets? In a microwave.
Me: Excellent.
Banana is the quietest snack
Wax museum director: What are we going to do with all this old wax?
Twizzlers CEO: We’ll take it.
*shows up at your work*
“Hi, it’s me. From the internet.”
smokey robinson: tears of a clown
witch: where did you get this recipe
My boss is coming to my grandad’s funeral tomorrow.
He said, after his 3 previous funerals he personally wants to see him go in the ground
Her: You should have someone follow you around with a book of matches.
Me: Because I’m on fire with all these jokes? My sense of humor is lit?
Her:
Me:
Her: Sure, let’s go with that.
“Hey Google, set an alarm for 5 AM”
Google: “No. That’s stupid.”
I don’t always have time to call people back but when I do I don’t.
Me: eugh! What have you done to this food?
Them: That’s called flavour
Me, a Brit: Well, I dont like it
[someone stops being my friend]
ah that’s sad they must have died
i am genuinely afraid for the people who post on the shitty food reddit
Sorry honey, I didn’t get you anything for Valentine’s Day.
Wife: It’s not until next week…
[one week later]
Sorry honey, I didn’t…
I just asked the kid working at McDonald’s if the shamrock shakes were made with fresh shamrocks. He went to ask the manager. 😳
I bet newlyweds never wonder if their spouse is snoring that loud on purpose
I go through the 7 stages of grief just to get to work everyday.
No thank you, I don’t need a coaster. I won’t be putting my drink down.
The lights begin to flicker
The hair stands up on your neck
A chill comes over the roomMe to the ghost: STOP TOUCHING THE THERMOSTAT
Me: I’m really at the end of my rope
Executioner: HOW ARE YOU TALKING