“Honey, the baby sure is fussy. Why don’t we go see a movie after we goto a nice, quiet restaurant?”
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When your great-grandchildren call you racist for thinking all monkeys look the same.
Jesus: take of this bread, for it is my body
Judas: *cough* nepobaby *cough*
Jesus: what?
Judas: what?
You’ll use a different oven for the pizza, right? RIGHT?
LIFE LESSON: Never do anything which you don’t want to explain to the Paramedics.
This entire pizza told me thigh gaps are for queers.
Me *secures my kid’s seat belt*
My kid: Are we there yet?
Him: What’s another word for pee?
Her: Urinate.
Him: Aw, thanks, babe…and you’re a ten, but please answer my question.
If you watch Titanic backwards it’s about a boy named Jack who leaves his underwater home, saves a rich lady, puts a sinking ship back together through sheer power of will and then becomes super poor and dirty
Who has time to monitor followers/unfollowers?
I can barely keep track of my kids and I only have 1 of those.
Wait.
Two. I have 2 kids.
Maybe Millennials aren’t having children because we lived through the nightmare of raising Tamagotchis. :/
If you go to an animal shelter and ask for a cat, they get really upset if you play them like a guitar and scream ROCK YOU LIKE A FURRICANE.
My family doesn’t get together a lot during the holidays.
We see each other enough throughout the year at all the interventions.
Hello, Nationwide Insurance? This chick wants to fight me in the Denny’s parking lot, you’re on my side, right?
The look of utter betrayal on my son’s face when he gets up past his bedtime & sees me eating cereal & watching cartoons is priceless.
How are birds so simultaneously beautiful and annoying as heck?!
I aspire to be birds
It’s interesting to me that car drivers are the first to admit that other drivers are idiots, yet anytime you try to suggest policy that will take cars off the road, they’re the most resistant
If you’re ever attacked by a mob of angry clowns…
…go for the juggler.
My nickname for my mother is Hannibal Lecture.
Look grandma. You told me to bring something to the wake. If you meant a casserole, you should have said so. Now help me load this drum kit.
WIFE: I can’t believe you slept with my twin thinking it was me
ME: Cut me some slack – he was wearing your perfume
“but you said you were right around the corner.” Let me stop you right there. I never said what corner
Cramming a band’s whole discography just hours before a concert just in case they stop the show and start quizzing me
toddler [getting ready to jump off the bed]
wife: Do something
me *takes phone out to record it*
wife: Do something else
A heart-shaped pizza just means less pizza and that’s not a sacrifice I’m willing to make for love.
Don’t follow me… I once sat in a traffic jam for 5 minutes getting pissed off while everyone lined up behind me, but I realised they were parked cars
the helium shortage is only being made worse by inflation
*grandma sobbing at my graduation*
“Your parents would have been so proud seeing you up there.”
*wipes tear*
“But they didn’t want to come.”
Sex is like pizza. Turtles are having it in the sewers.
I think a Muppet should host the presidential debates
Saw a guy smoking while pumping gas & at first glance thought ‘wow that’s not safe’ & at second glance thought ‘wow that guy’s on fire’