Did you know that Mark Zuckerberg and the guy who played the blue Power Ranger are cousins? Just not to each other. But they are cousins.
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9 out of 10 wives agree their husbands are always wrong and the other one just doesn’t wanna talk about it right now.
Where do you weigh a pie?
Somewhere over the rainbow … weigh a pie…
I swear babe, I’m a virgin, it must be a miracle.
*Joseph rolls eyes
“Calzone” is just an Italian word to make you feel better about eating a Hot Pocket in public.
DATE: I love spicy food.
ME: [trying to impress] I once ate an entire bonfire.
[crime scene]
BATMAN: Who the hell are you?
MANBAT: Who the hell are YOU?
BATMAN: I’m Batman. A man who dresses like a bat.
MANBAT: I’m Manbat. A bat who dresses like a man.
[BATBAT arrives]
BATBAT: Who the hell are you two?
Q: Why do we put candles on top of a birthday cake?
A: Because it’s too hard to put them on the bottom!
#HappyBirthdayBob
I just met my daughter’s friend’s mom for the first time and she introduced herself by saying, “Hi, I’m Olivia’s mom, you’ve probably heard me yelling in the background of their Zoom calls.”
Can anyone recommend a hypnotist? I’m open to suggestion
[carnival]
me: I’d like an elephant!
face painter: on your cheek or…?
me: *unbuttoning pants* my wife is going to be so surprised
me at the grocery store: im going to make a mushroom risotto with herb crusted chicken and a vegetable medley!
me when i get home: crackers
“Adults are lame. After they have kids, they never do anything exciting.”
-my son, blaming the victims
7: so those people think belle is weird because she’s walking around?
me: i guess so
7: and because she likes books?
me: um…yeah
7: but at least she’s pretty right?
me: …let’s watch moana instead
If my teenagers see this tweet, since no one is answering my texts….mommy’s flight is on time and the house better be clean when I get home.
There’s so much going on 😂😂😂
My pet toddler is scratching at the door again.
Tequila, because sometimes you and your toilet need to hug it out.
Dongle sounds like just one more thing in Australia that will kill you.
We can put a man on the moon but we can’t find a good way to drink wine from a lying down position.
According to this box of spaghetti I am an Italian family of 8
*looking contemplative*
Wife: What are you thinking about?
Me: You know, if Nessie was sworn into the mob-
Wife: Don’t.
Me:
Wife:
Me: She’d be a Loch Ness Mobster.
When I sign an email “Yours” it’s not a term of endearment— it means this email is now yours I’m done with it get it away from me.
Whoever had the bright idea of putting book jackets on children’s books clearly never had children of their own.
explaining to the tech that having to change into a gown for a chest x-ray doesn’t give me a lot of faith in the process
doctor: *tearing from prescription pad* take two of these and come back next week
me: *chewing the paper* when do I get the second one
Post nuclear war:
A sterile and withered landscape. No vegetation or nourishment remains.My refrigerator after a 14 year old boy comes home from school:
A sterile and withered landscape. No vegetation or nourishm—
Me: can I check my account balance?
Sperm bank employee: it doesn’t work like that
My daughter has 12 minutes until curfew and Life360 says she is 17 minutes away.
The suspense is killing me!
I want you to know that whatever problems you’re having I’m hear to ‘like’ them. 🙃