The best letter to the editor in today’s @TB_Times.
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Girl: I dumped my last boyfriend cause he always gave short answers. I never knew what he was thinking. That’s so annoying, right?
Me: Word
Being an adult is like watching a foreign movie with no subtitles in a crowded theater, everyone else knows what’s going on and you just nod
Obi-Wan: Ani
Anakin: Ani is a girl name! What can’t you call me something cool, like ‘Kin’?!
Obi-Wan: Use the Force Ki—
A: “ANI” IS FINE
3yo wipes off the air kisses that I blow to her from across the room, which is some next level shade.
Yesterday I asked my 12-year-old son what other kids at school think about him having 2 dads.
His response: They don’t care but they don’t like how I’m immune to “Yo Mama” jokes.
Text: CMAO
Me: I think you mean LMAO, for “Laughing my ass off.”
That guy in 127 Hours who got his arm trapped under a boulder: No.
Brain: Follow your heart
Heart: Go with your gut
Gut: Pick the grilled cheese
Note for people married to fanatical hikers: when they say “let’s get out and walk a little,” your idea of a little might be to that ice cream stand over there and theirs might be 5 miles.
I told my kid what we’re having for dinner, and she replied, “Man, I just can’t win today.” She turned into a 47-year-old guy with a mortgage and lower back pain right before my eyes.
I’m proud of my age even if my birth certificate was carved in stone.
Omg, do you mind? I’m busy. This dinner isn’t going to peel back plastic, stir and add 3 minutes to itself.
Ha, I told my brother that carbon had seven protons and he believed me. He was mean to me when we were kids.
My current hobbies include buying crap that my kids don’t need and complaining that my kids’ crap is everywhere.
DATE: I want someone that is focused on their own personal growth
ME: [to the waiter] On second thought, I’ll have two lasagnas, this evening
Nothing in the world is more important to a child than seeing what you just showed another adult on your phone.
[hanging Vanilla Ice from a balcony by his ankles]
Vanilla Ice: “dont drop me! ill give you anything! ill sign my royalties over to-”
me: “royalties? i just want more raps about ninja turtles”
“It’s just me, my board, and my iron, catching some sweet sweet wrinkles.”
when a bird is walking around on its little bird legs. it’s mocking you. it’s saying this is you. this is what you look like.
*brakes hard*
*throws arm across passenger seat to protect pizza*
Almost arrived at work when my kid asked “Where’re we going?” Who the hell did I just drop off at school?!
“That’s me in a nutshell.”
A peanut’s photo album.
I’m gonna nail horseshoes on my nikes and gallop behind joggers
It’s the last month of school, here are 97 activities in the middle of the day parents need to attend.
-elementary schools
cops: neighbours reported sounds of a struggle
**i begin to weep as I glance at my skinny jeans**
When we first started dating, I admitted to my husband that I was a bad driver. He said “That’s nothing, I saw a crazy lady run an 18-wheeler off the road yesterday. Poor guy was struggling for his life trying to keep the rig from flipping over.” It was me. I was the crazy lady.
@DaddyJew @funTweeters
Alarm: I have boyfriend
Anyone who’s ever stood in a busy McDonald’s line at 10:29am not knowing what to get has been closer to getting murdered than they realize.
“Hi, I’m Lucky, this is Bandit, and this is Shadow.”
– if people were named like pets
When I was 30, I had a fling thing with a 22 year old. He subtweeted me on here and i didnt even have Twitter. My younger cousin showed me the tweet. 6 years later, and I’m finally mad about it.
PATIENT: my stomach is killing me, doc
DR DOG: I’ve got just the thing for you *hands him a prescription bottle filled with grass*