About 2/3 of Earth’s surface is water. Same for the human body. So really, we’re all incontinent
Her: I’m not cleaning the sheets this time
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[My first day as a garbageman]
Text from wife: You forgot to take out the trash.
Me: Goddammit
Welcome to parenthood. Every piece of trash in your house is now a makeshift toy that you are not allowed to throw out.
I don’t want to alarm anyone but there’s only 365 shopping days left until Christmas
Me: What time are we leaving?
Wife: In 3 or 4 hours
Me: Ok, I’ll be waiting in the car
My 7yo was on FaceTime with her bestie before dinner tonight, and kept muting the mic unless she was talking because I’m “embarrassing” so I’ve got that going for me.
My grandpa used to whip us grankids with his belt, but I know he did it out of love: he really loved whipping children.
Me: Thanks so much for the edible arrangement
GF: I sent you a dozen roses
Me: oh
GF: There’s a lot of blood coming out of your mouth
can y’all stop breaking each others hearts, the gym is getting too packed
Overthrowing governments actually sounds pretty coup
Before Geronimo was born in 1829 what the hell did people yell when they jumped off things?
People joke that soup acts “all dramatic” when you put it in a microwave, but if you put those same people in a microwave, they would freak out. Hypocrites.
[Morgan Freeman voice] Isolated from his group, this penguin will not survive
[penguin voice] Hey dude, I can hear you.
Girl from school who refused to dance with me at elementary school disco: can I get some chicken Mcnuggets
Me: well look who’s come crawling back
the song firestarter, but it’s about my cooking skills
How do you like your Corgi?
I’m like the hottest girl on this elevator.
Never mind, someone else just got on.
[kidnapping]
BOSS: Tape his mouth shut.
ME: [puts tiny strip of tape on the hostages mouth]
BOSS: Are you stupid? Put more on.
ME: Oh I’m sorry I forgot tape doesn’t cost money.
The neighbors set off fireworks at 2:45 AM so I decided to leaf blow the entire street in front of their house at 6:00 AM.
I just figured out how to deal with a situation that I was thrown into in 1978.
Anyone who tells you to get kids to help more around the house has never asked kids to help more around the house.
Of all the bad habits I’ve taught my kids, reassembling Club wrappers so they look like there is still a chocolate biscuit inside is the one that’s come back to bite me the fastest so far.
Introducing new iPhone 5 features:
– Patented Ultrablack color technology.
– Siri is less of a cunt.
– Contains 1 mg of Steve Jobs’ ashes.
Me: Is this something a crazy person would wear?
My mom: Well, crazy people can wear whatever they want, so…
friend: you’ve been watching the tv for 8 hours
me: yeah so
friend: maybe u should turn it on
“play stupid games, win stupid prizes” bold of you to assume i am winning the stupid games
I wish there was some sort of idiom to describe how easily I just took that lollipop from that infant.
If i was being attacked by a werewolf i would just turn on the vacuum to scare him off
Who called it “playing footsie” and not “becoming sole mates”?
Are racist people like “ugh, my open minded uncle is going to be at Thanksgiving this year.”