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Girlfriends are always complaining, you don’t remember this, you don’t remember that!!
Well we are men, not memory foam!
#mattressjokes
Just stepped on the scale. Now I have to replace a broken window and add $467 to the curse word jar.
Him: [running his fingers through my hair] is… is this part of a cookie?
hello 9-1-1? my girlfriend’s been kidnapped
“stay calm sir, what’s ur girlfriend’s name”
oh she goes to another school u wouldn’t know her
I’ve said it before. If Clifford was a Big Red Cat, everyone would be dead.
(NASA)
HQ: Good launch everyone.
Astronaut: Uhh what’s that buzzing noise?
NASA Prankster: Definitely rocket noise and not bees.
My 5yo son at a cookout, “Where are the scrambled eggs?”
What’s the problem, you said dress however I feel comfortable for meeting your parents and it turns out this SpongeBob SquarePants costume is very comfortable.
[being seated for blind date]
her: have you ever been on one of these before
me: yeah I love chairs
“Je t’aime” = “I love you”
“Je t’anime” = “I love anime”
13- My hormones are coming in!
Me- What?
13- My chin is growing hairs like you
The exchange I heard between my 4 year old and my husband when an ad popped up on her tablet. 4 yo: Can I have this? Husband: No, you can’t have an online Bachelor’s Degree in Nursing
Did you know a hummingbird has to consume half its body weight in sugar every day and that I don’t have to do that but I still also do that?
When I’m in a plane that’s full of white people, my new favourite thing to do is to spot another Sikh and shout out loudly to him “Don’t forget our mission”.
If you laugh at a kid’s joke that kid will tell the exact same joke at slightly louder volumes 8,000 times in a row.
My wife and I have a rule whoever is driving controls the radio, unless I’m driving and then she controls the radio.
Accidentally played dad instead of dead when I encountered a bear and now it can ride a bike without training wheels. #circuseverydamnday
Do poodle owners realize they just bought a dog with a shitty 1980s white girl perm?
Welcome to adulthood. Your body now crackles like a carnival glow stick when you get up.
The date was going splendidly until my mom called and we argued over my curfew in front of her.
“I wouldn’t wish that on my worst enemy ” well I would. Step aside
We are taking care of my friend’s dog for the rest of the month.
She’s been with us about 45 minutes so far. My boyfriend has said “I love you” three times already.
It took at least six months of dating before we said that to each other.
Freddie Mercury: “Hey Brian, what rhymes with scaramouche?”
Brian May: um… Fandango?
Freddie: “Perfect!” *snorts another line of coke*
Bruce Willis is at the supermarket, standing by the cucumbers & laughing hysterically, pointing at them with tears streaming down his face
Welcome to your 40’s. Each year, you need to hold your phone another inch farther from your face.
Man, we’re losing so many people at work. Eric got fired, Amy found a new job, Rich evolved into a being of pure energy and ascended to a higher plane of existence, Sam’s internship ended… Everyone’s leaving.
My autocorrect changed “graphic designer” to “groaning designer.” For once, it’s not wrong.
Golf is a great way to learn all of the new curse words your subconscious has been cooking up in the lab.
I miss the days before security cameras, when everything at the store was free.