Relationships are like houseplants, if they’re mine they die
You Might Also Like
My Uber driver doesn’t know that soon he’ll be an accomplice.
The deadliest weapon is the mind. Unless you got a sword or something. Or a gun. If you have a gun, that’s definitely the best choice.
Whatever, low battery indicator. You’re not the boss of
What did one elevator say to another?
Am gonna level with you
Me: I feel like eventually I will drive everyone away.
Uber Driver: Same, Girl.
employer: what skills do you possess that would make you suitible for this position?
me: I possess the skill that will make all your other employees look perfect by comparison
My bathroom mirror after a long party weekend: girl, those vitamins can’t help you now
Land animals by legs:
0: Probably a snake.
1: Not a snake.
2: You/Monkey.
3: Uh…
4: Varies, probably safe-ish.
>4: AAAAH KILL IT WITH FIRE.
Weird how all salons are closed on Sundays, yet if you can convincingly fake a heart attack, paramedics will shave your chest-hair for free.
Date: You heard me
Me: No I didn’t
Wet nurse: I didn’t either
Me: Could you read that back to me?
Stenographer: She said, “Not only is it weird that you have a wet nurse and stenographer, it’s even weirder that you’d bring them on our date.”
I told my kids to sit Kriss Kross applesauce and now they’re jumping
If you say “NO YOURE UNDER ARREST” the cop legally has to get in the back of your car.
Spent the entire day trying to improve the phrase “if it ain’t broke, don’t fix it”.
Him: do you know an easy way to draw three flying birds?
Me: mmm
Him: thanks
In sign language, the story of my life can be told through a series of facepalms.
Just saw one of those giant centipedes run though my living room so now I’m gunna sleep with a flamethrower and a full metal jacket.
Never thought I’d be the type of person who competes for attention. Then I got a cat.
mugger: gimme your wallet
me: me or her?
mugger: I don’t care
me: *looks at date* I mean I did pay for dinner
“I gave your number to everyone on the playground so that their parents can call you for play dates whenever they want”
-my son casually threatening me as I tuck him into bed-
wife: know what today is?
me: yep
wife: on 2
together: 1, 2
wife: Happy Anniver..
me: 3 MONTHS UNTIL..
wife:..sary
me:
wife:
me: ..Santa
“Oh, are you driving?” -Good question to ask someone as they force you into their trunk
[rejected dialogue from star trek II: the wrath of khan]
khan: revenge is a dish with a dried glob of food on it that won’t come off no matter how hard you scrub
gonna start calling my years long dry spell ‘sexual discipline’ so I don’t sound so pathetic
Babies are okay if you’re into alarm clocks that poop.
Never play poker at the zoo. Too many cheetahs.
pretty jealous of bears. they’re like, “well, just ate my entire weight in salmon, now I’m gonna sleep for 6 months. smell ya later, hater”
Puts fitbit on dogs collar. Throws the ball around. Sits on the couch and eat chips. Wins all the challenges
wife: what’s the house of your dreams?
me: fireplace in each room. and there’s a bear walking around and it only speaks spanish. also the floor is quicksand.
wife:
me:
wife:
me: oh you mean like a house i wish we lived in.
The guy I’ve been paying to pick up poop in my backyard just realized that I don’t own any animals.
I wouldn’t mind being put on hold so much if companies programmed in a jukebox so I could pick the music I listen to while I wait