When a cop talks to you about Miranda, he’s not inviting you for a three-way… I know this now.
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Dirty Dancing is a really upsetting if you imagine it from the POV of Baby鈥檚 dad, a cardiologist who just desperately wanted a few weeks of peaceful vacation.
An old white man in a beard bestowing gifts from the sky? Please.
[biologists find beached whale]
its a new species
what can we call it?
[surfer walks by] yo killer whale bro
[biologists look at each other]
4: mom, [6] said if I eat my broccoli he’ll give me a prize, will you give me a prize too?
me: well, being healthy and strong is a good prize
4: no
*takes cat from pocket of doctor’s coat & holds it over patient*
He has finished his scan. He says he doesn’t like you & you have cancer.
If you get caught about to eat food off the floor, just pretend you lost your contact.
15 hours may seem like a lot of time to spend on a 1st grade space diorama, but you should have seen the look on my son’s face when he saw it for the first time on the drive to school this morning.
My ex-boyfriend once stood over my shoulder while I peeled an onion and told me how his mom could do it faster
Remember to recycle your pizza boxes
It鈥檚 for the Greta good
8: mom do you have ANY idea how rare circles are in minecraft?
me: no but i have a bad feeling you鈥檙e about to spend a really long time telling me
“I literally died.” – white girls in heaven.
They saddled up the horses and headed into town. The hills were quiet and ominous. A lone coyote howled. An owl hooted. Crickets chirped. An eagle made an eagle scream. A rattlesnake rattled. A hissing beetle made a sound that was indescribable
Protip: If your wife says don’t put your oversized grilling spatula and tongs in the dishwasher, just hand wash them, she means right then.
*breaking up with BF
I’ll never forget you David.
‘My name is Jason’
Goodbye John.
My will has a list of friends not allowed to speak at my funeral.
What this place needs is a revival of the narrator tweets.
Narrator: No, that’s the last thing this place needs.
My superpower is choosing the one table in a restaurant next to the woman talking loudly enough that I know her entire family tree when I leave.
Dons gloves and bandana.
Saunters into restaurant.
THIS IS A TAKE OUT!
Where鈥檇 he go? 馃槀馃挍
doggosbeingdoggos
Every time my kids start whining I get the urge to call my mom and apologize
My kid, 6: What鈥檚 the biggest structure a civil engineer has made?
Also my kid: Which way does the L go?
If you listen to 3 or more Sheryl Crow songs, that’s a murder
“Hi, I’m calling for info on your bicycle on Craigslist.”
It’s heavy, brown, has new shoes, and loves carrots. It’s definitely not a horse.
MAYOR: I now present you a key to the city
ME: So long, suckers!
*hops in city and drives away*
MAYOR: Come back! I need that for work!
As a child I had a medical condition that meant I had to eat soil 3 times a day in order to survive. Lucky my older brother told me about it
anyone know how to get an air guitar out of a vacuum?
[funeral home]
DIRECTOR: Your uncle got hit by a bus?
ME: Yeah.
DIRECTOR: Do you want a quote on the headstone?
ME: Like what?
DIRECTOR: Well, did he have any last words?
ME: Yes.
wife: ugh I feel so old
me: you’re only 36
wife: ugh
me: that鈥檚 like three 12yr olds
wife: what
me: what