1800’s ship captain: This expedition will be the most dangerous undertaking and we all may well perish on the journey. We should bring a monkey with us. It will live in my room.
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I finally got 10 hours of sleep. I mean it took 4 days to get there, but still.
How much more of this can I take?
* piles food on buffet plate *
Him: *looking at 6 empty paper towel rolls, maple syrup, spoons, and a tennis racket on the floor*
What happened?!
Me: There was a spider.
Who decided that we have to get stuff done every day?
Waiters who dont write stuff down—what do you win?
Me: I’m eating for two now.
Him: Oh, are you pregnant?
Me: Nooooo. Is that what that means?
I’m honestly counting down the days until my kids are old enough to watch Jaws, and I can tell them, “They filmed this movie where we vacation every summer. It’s a documentary.”
Best way to get picked up at a gym is fall off a machine.
My wife finally got a “Brazilian”.
He seems nice.
“I like your skinny jeans, are they new?”
No, I bought them 15lbs ago
What about a haunted doll that reminds you to take your birth control
What I really love about Air Fresheners is how it makes your bathroom smell like someone just shit in your rose garden…
The chick at this circus just swallowed a sword and I saw a guy elbow his woman like “see?…”
Ooh I do like a good funnel
Date: so you’re a handyman?
Me: no I just do odd jobs
Date: like what
Me: yesterday I taught a duck karate
*wife walks in*
*sees cheese balls everywhere*
*shakes head*“what? 8 won’t get better at catching food in his mouth if we don’t practice”
I got about 8 seconds into explaining the Kate Middleton situation to my French husband before he told me, in the Frenchest voice imaginable, “ah yes, that’s why we decided not to have those sorts of people anymore”
[feeding baby Malaysian food]
“Here comes the plane”
*makes plane noises**spoon just disappears*
Why do people say half a dozen?
Why can’t they just say Six
Don’t cry because it’s over smile because you had a solid alibi & no one will ever find the body.
[At the store]
Me: Where are your masks?
Kids: We didn’t bring them.
Me: Why not.
Kids: Because you didn’t tell us like mom would.
It’s called a flat stomach in UK but an apartment stomach in America.
I don’t drive a flashy car, but the cop behind me does.
“Careful, there’s poop on the dance floor.” – how ballet was invented.
[beach]
Me: if a shark stops moving it will die
Wife: for the last time you can’t kill a shark with a stop sign
Me: it’s the law diane
I always try to compliment people, even if it’s just, “Wow, I’ve never seen clothes worn like that before.” or “You have a dope overbite.”
“You should eat only six fries per serving.” What’s next? Telling us something psycho like eating an entire pizza doesn’t count as one serving?
“Okay Nancy, try it now.”
Follow your dreams. Search through your dreams mail. Show up drunk on your dreams doorstep. Kidnap your dreams. Never let your dreams go.
People say sausage dogs are impractical but how many golden retrievers can run a fresh toilet roll under the cubicle door?