*LIGHTHOUSE*
BATMAN – You call?
L/HOUSE KEEPER – Shit, not again man. I am so sorry.
BATMAN – Dead seagull on the light?
LK -*Nods*
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Stop burning bridges. They’re not even good kindling. Just use sticks.
cop: do you know who the murderer is?
detective quasimodo: i have a [takes off sunglasses] decent lead
cop: [obviously disappointed] oh
detective quasimodo: what?
cop: it’s just i thought you were gonna say you had a… nvm it’s not important
Wife: I want to see some snow.
Me: You might get to see 3 to 4 inches tonight.
Wife: I’d rather see snow.
Taco bell – when you want your guts rearranged at 2am and have nobody to text
Me: Help someone is trying to gain entry to my home, send the police!
Her: Calm down, where are they now?
Me: Still ringing the doorbell
Autocorrect changed ‘flash’ to ‘flask’.
Why yes, I’ll have one flask flood emergency.
You would think a Steven with a ph would know better than to address me as Alison with two Ls.
Me: This “Fear the Walking Dead” show is really creepy.
Wife: This is the Video Music Awards.
Adam and Eve were the first people to agree to the Apple terms and conditions without reading them.
not to brag but i finished this 14 day diet in 3 hours and 38 minutes.
I don’t know who needs to see this but don’t ever answer your phone on your way home from work. They want you to stop at the store.
What idiot called it Kenny Loggins describing how he visited Bethlehem to see the Christ child and not “I went to the Manger Zone”?
Merry Christmas everyone
*tells five other people to remember their toothbrush for vacation.
*forgets her own toothbrush.
my husband’s quarantine amazon cart: – fruit and vegetable seeds
– toilet paper
– educational toys for the kidsmy quarantine amazon cart:
– four (4) horse masks
– a theatrical quality replica of elsa’s dress from frozen 2
– a lifesize cardboard cutout of richard madden
It’s kill or be killed. Or eat a sandwich. Maybe go for a light jog. Draw a picture of a duck. There are a lot of options out there.
It’s all fun and games until someone from real life recognizes you and you realize you’re too small to drag off the body.
I won’t be gratified sexually until someone dumps one of those big Gatorade containers on me after.
SON: The car’s manual suggests not to turn the stereo up all the way.
DAD: Guess you could say-
SON: NO DON’T-
DAD: -that’s sound advice.
Justin Timberlake: I’m bringing sexy back
Sexy: *nervously* uh no thanks I’ll get an Uber
you’ve heard of fomo now get ready for fobi (fear of being included)
“Everybody cut foot loose” – Russian version of Saw
[1 year 4 months since Totino’s changed their frozen pizza shape from circle to rectangle]
ME: *sigh*
HER: still mad at Totino’s?
M: yeah
There’s no “u” in narcissist
A remake of The Ring, except it’s Jeff Goldblum joyfully crawling out of your TV.
Craigslist: Meet your soulmate and lose a kidney all in one magical night.
I don’t need the audio tour at the museum, I have my teen to provide critical commentary the entire time.
Just moisturized my hands and now I can’t get out of the bathroom. Send help.
‘i have been exhausted since i was 30’
~me as a 29-yr old.
Her: See ya later alligator!
Me: *slithers into swamp*