[trying to avoid awkward silence on first date]
you ever see a horse throw up?
“no”
*smiles and turns phone sideways so video gets bigger*
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I cannot walk on water, But I can wobble on whisky.
Not to brag on my wife but she doubled our accidental death and dismemberment insurance when I bought a chainsaw.
The Fast and the Furious is my favourite movie about me running away after dropping a vase in an antiques store
Just your annual reminder about this seagull that turned orange after it fell into a container of chicken tikka masala while trying to get a piece of meat from a factory bin. #SpiceGull
Not all crimes are bad. For example: If there was a crow sized hole in a bank vault & a crow decided to sneak into the vault to bring me a shiny coin, every day, for years… This would be good actually.
Her: I don’t even know what the cloning machine does
Me: Well that makes two of us
You say illegal, I say added to my bucket list.
PRIEST: are you a catholic?
ME: I have four, but I wouldn’t say I’m addicted
[after tee ball game]
Wife: we brought snacks for the kids.Me: [w/ mouthful of food] we did?!
[Forest]
GF: Oh god it’s a bear!Me: *Stuffs socks down front of pants*
GF: What are you doing?
Me: Making myself look big
Bear: Well hi
me: dating is hard, lot of weirdos out there
me on a date: you need three people to have a true staring contest with a hammerhead shark
“Say TGIF ONE more time” I say, scowling at my coworker with no children, “Go ahead, say it again.”
Why do people wax their surfboards? A hairy surfboard is a natural and beautiful thing.
Restless leg syndrome does not give you the right to swiftly kick people whenever you feel like it. I know that now.. 😆
I don’t understand what someone gets out of arguing with a complete stranger.
Fight with your family like the rest of us.
“Forgive me, I’m a terrible flort”
“Don’t you mean flirt?”
*starts florting*
“OMFG. WTF is that?!”
Look, I don’t have kids, and I’m not a lawyer, but if YOU have kids and could start up a Baby Fight Club and video the results, I really think it would help bring this country together.
Txt from wife: where r u
Me:kitchen
Wife:can u feed cat
M: I mean garage
W:bring in laundry
M:bathroom
W:clean toilet
M: Idaho
W:get potatos
I’d like to say I have a yoga body, but it’s really more of a Yoda body.
Resist all the cheese, I can’t.
If I was a dental hygienist I’d be like “Now I’m gonna rip up your gums with a metal hook and then blame you for not flossing enough, sorry”
Not to be too edgy, but chocolate is now on average slightly too salty! It’s a nice change of pace, but not all candy needs to be seasoned like french fries!
If you wanna see that guy you used to like, go out in public looking your worst and it’s practically guaranteed.
“It’s all smoke and mirrors” he said, describing his various drug habits.
I think abs are for guys that don’t have the confidence to wear a nice T-shirt to the pool.
Me: eats spicy Szechuan for lunch
My guts the next day: look, we’ve had this discussion before
*checks kid’s backpack*
*finds papers from September and a liquefied banana*
*zips backpack and walks away*
Is Craigslist still around, or did everyone over there get murdered?
Select elevator floors without using your hands, guys. Chicks dig it.
“Though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil..”
Him: Do you have to say that everytime we visit my mom?
I wish there was something called the pizza/enchilada/beer diet where you lost weight. Cause I’m on it and that’s not what’s happening.