14 called me an idiot today
No, I don’t have a 14-year-old child
I mean 14 people
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you ran a half marathon? that’s really cool, i’ve almost finished a bunch of things too
“Paypal me your lunch money!” -Cyber Bullies
Dance like no one is watching.
Sing like no one is listening. A
Eat salty food like your blood pressure cuff is broken.
Maybe the reason you’re not having *sexual intercourse* is because you call it sexual intercourse.
Wow, so it’s true… Toddlers in Tiaras is the prequel to 16 and Pregnant which is the Prequel to Intervention
my computer is organized exactly like my brain, which is to say that I just found a photo of a baby weasel alone in a folder called “good”
detective: this’ll make you talk
suspect: a banana?
detective: *starts chewing*
suspect: *crying* omg peel it
[around campfire]
ME: *grabs guitar* Hey kids how about a song?
KIDS: Yeah!
ME: ok *clears throat* LET THE BODIES HIT THE FLOOR LET THE BODI
Husband: can we try some new positions in the bedroom?
Me: sure!
Husband: any ideas?
Me: [excited] sleepy sloth?
Husband:
Me: [more excited] hibernating bear?
Husband:
Me: [most excited] the lazy starfish?
Take a deep breath.
Exhale slowly.– Respirational Tweet
A mattress will double in weight after six years, just like everything else I sleep with!
Me: Why is a squid throwing away all my stuff?
Calamarie Kondo: What
picnics are a great way to think you’re hanging out with friends but actually you’re sitting on something wet
Last night I woke up freezing and discovered that my husband had stolen all the covers. I did what any mature, married woman would do; I woke him up and told him I heard a strange noise downstairs.
*forgetting the name for christmas decorations*
please pass me the tree earrings
They called me hysterical, and I laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed
@Shot_Of_Cabo @funTweeters That is how my father ended up being the only one cleaning the house. My mother hasn’t cleaned a thing in 40 years.
Runner dad at the park: guess how many miles I ran this morning?
My 7yo: I don’t know, 30 million?
Him: No, 12
7yo: Oh. Well keep working on it. Never give up!
Sixteen years and 200+ million users ago, we could not have imagined ourselves here. Today, Vimeo is a public company. Thank you to everyone who helped us reach this point. We can’t wait to take Vimeo into the future. #VMEO
*meeting an actual guy*
Him: Who’s your team?
Me, not a sports guy: I really enjoy a good tussle from the *reads off palm* Green Day Flockers but I love all sports ball participants
Anyone on Twitter, to me: no way are you 46!
Me: Mate. They’re called filters. My real face looks like it slept on a bad pillow.
Y’all know who you are.
My therapist after every session
*Rubs a Sausage Egg McMuffin on my wrists and behind my ears*
‘Sup
My Mother worries about me living in London sometimes.
I tell her it’s not London she has to worry about.
I just injured myself on a potato.
One day we’re gonna discover that Squarespace has been committing countless mysterious murders, solely to fuel the Murder Podcast Industry, their no.1 source of advertisement
Never put a toaster in the bathtub. Nobody likes soggy toast.
WIFE: if you misinterpret one more thing I say, I’m leaving
ME: please don’t, I promise I’ll change
WIFE: ok you’ve got a week
ME: [crying] a weak what?
Wife: can you give the kids a talk on drugs?
Me: ok but I talk a lot of shit when I’m high
me: so this is twitter, and these are all the people who follow me
dad: and they like you?
me: haha oh goodness no