What I say: hold on with two hands
What my kid hears: hold on with as few hands as possible, preferably none
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Why is the saying “Ignorance is bliss” and not, “No brain, no pain”?
My wife bought a rice cooker today. I guess we’re going to eat a ton of rice over the next few days and then never again.
“Did it hurt when you fell from Heaven?“
Lucifer: Are you hitting on me?
The real slim shady: [sitting in a bean bag] oh no
How high do the levels go?
i’m torn between getting my own personal jesus or getting a large jesus to share with the whole table
Listen here babe I’m not a mind-reader and I’m also not great at picking up body language so- ok yes that hand gesture I understand
Was watching that new walking dead and it was really good. They ran from zombies then killed zombies then ran from zombies then killed zombies then ran from zombies then killed zombies then ran from zombies then killed zombies then ran from zombies then killed zombies then ran fr
This salad isn’t going to toss itself. *winks*
– Things you shouldn’t say as you pass food around the Thanksgiving table 🙁
The first rule of hydration club is where is your restroom?
DATE: …your profile said you were a bodybuilder?
ME [assembles crash test dummies for a living]: that’s right
Sure it’s cold, but I’m not going to break a sweat over it.
Get a hair cut, run away without paying. They can’t chase you because they’re holding scissors. The perfect crime.
Future historians will be asked which quarter of 2020 they specialize in.
Either this apartment is haunted or someone has been filling the sink with dishes & leaving notes that say, “You still owe $89 for cable.”
It’s terribly sad, but the fact that the graphic had to be added is due to the shockingly low literacy rate among geese.
Studio Apartment Available:
– Pet-friendly
– Located next to bridge
– No strings attached
Welcome to Pushovers Anonymous. Cool if we start with a reading?
“fine by me!”
“you bet!”
“sounds good!”
“NO”
Sir, please leave.
“NO”
Okay.
me *swallowing pride*
baby lion: holy shit
Me: making cup noodle because it’s ready to eat in 3 minutes
Also me: waiting an hour for it to cool down.
I stopped my pig from eating a penny.
I don’t know why.
I was so close to having a real live piggy bank.
If you have twin girls and don’t dress them like in “The Shining” and make them stand in hallways, you’ve squandered a precious gift.
Make people question sincerity by adding quotations to your cards:
“Thank You”
Get well “soon”
“Congratulations” on the “baby”
[Parisian restaurant, breakfast]
Me: I hear you do the best toasted Cheese & Ham here
Server: That’s a croque monsieur
M: Oh that’s a shame, I’ll have a croissant instead then please
me: do you serve crabs here?
waiter: yes, we do
my crab: *taking off his jacket* finally
The last time I had sex, there was a dinosaur in the cave with us.
#SignsAGuyDoesntLikeYou he takes a long time to reply to your letters and blames it on the “prison mail system”
How can anyone look at a Roomba in action and think we’re anywhere close to self-driving cars?
RT if you know someone like this!!!
@ConanOBrien My friend is an EMT and would do well at Trivia Mornings because…you guessed it…she is a first responder.