Please stop talking about the weather. I recorded this season of The Weather Channel but I haven’t watched it yet.
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Everyone rags on Facebook, but where else can you get a weather update, religious counseling, and a peach cobbler recipe all in one site.
WIFE: When my sister goes on holidays, she likes to stay off the beaten track, often using lesser known roads to see the country.
ME: *barely audible* a detourist
WIFE: Get out.
When there’s a forklift accident they have to put the forklift down because once a forklift gets a taste of human blood…
oh my god
The package proclaims that the Nasoya® baked, marinated tofu is “Ready to Eat,” but I will be honest w/you, I have no idea what to feed it.
THE TOP TEN WORDS OF 2012!!
1. End
2. Of
3. Year
4. Top
5. Ten
6. Lists
7. Are
8. Exercises
9. In
10. Stupidity
Him: sometimes I think you just don’t care
Me: [hands in the air] why would you think that
My wife says she can breakdown cardboard packaging for the recycling bin better than I can. I think I will just let her have that one.
[me as a ninja]
[a smoke ball is thrown in a park]
[when the smoke clears, all of the dogs in the park have stealthily been petted]
my son and I accidentally ended up on different teams in laser tag and every time I shot him he said “wow” in a dramatic disappointed voice
The people making the worst decisions in Vegas tonight are standing in line at Subway.
A flock of dads is called a grill.
You can’t buy gifts from a sex offender registry. I know this now.
Don’t act like you’ve never used a pair of binoculars to try to peer through another pair of binoculars.
Any t-shirt can be an ironic t-shirt if you hate things enough
“IF YOU EAT ANY MORE CANDY, YOU’RE GOING TO BARF!” my kids yell at me.
I’m worried that if there is ever a fire at my house, my kids will ignore the smoke detectors and sit down at the dinner table.
“I literally can’t even!”
— White girl hanging a picture
I throw naked mini-wheats back in the box like I’m not the one who’s gonna get stuck with the bowl of naked mini-wheats in the end
My gynecologist sent me a refund check for $18.70. I don’t know what it’s for but I feel like I need to be offended.
[while listening to halloween sounds cd I bought] spooky huh [friend on road trip with me] yeah but got anythin else its like a 6 hour drive
Kids at bedtime are like the song being downloaded on a dial up connection which has been stuck at 99%
Got to check out Godzilla Vs. Kong early and if you’re a fan of buildings I’ve got some bad news for you.
People who argue in public, would it kill you to enunciate and give a little backstory?
HOW TO BE A LAWYER:
Witness: I saw your client do it.
Me: Allegedly.
W: No, I did.
M: Allegedly.
Judge: That’s argumentative.
M: Allegedly.
Him: “Describe what you’re wearing right now”
Me: (in yoga pants I didn’t do yoga in, T-shirt I’ve had on for days w/various food stains, fuzzy socks bc I’m freezing, hair in bun)
“Just out of the shower so tank, panties and no bra”
Him: “So hot”
Me: *resumes eating ice cream
Women are like angels, and when someone breaks our wings, we simply continue to fly……. on a broomstick, we’re flexible like that
What I know about light:
-Cannot be eaten
-Unless…
-Maybe can be eaten?
-I definitely made an eating motion
-But I am not full?
-Try again?
-I bit my tongue
-Can hurt your tongue
Me: Do you want anything from Chipotle?
CW: Yeah….just surprise me.
Me: *comes back with no food*
SURPRISE!
coworker: what’re u gonna be for halloween
me: ur mom
coworker: lol havent heard that one in a whi–
me: matthew u never call