super glad this box of pasta says “store in a cool dry place” because i usually keep all of my groceries in a bog
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I have Tourettes syndrome, but instead of swearing, I yell out movies that Nicolas Cage has been in
As we watched the sun set together my 3yo asked me what kind of pajamas the sun likes to wear to bed and that just might be the cutest question I’ve ever been asked.
Also the dumbest.
Lice is the herpes of kindergarten.
Daughter: Finally got a workout in today.
Me: Where? The basement?
Daughter: No, up in my room.
Me: What did you do? An obstacle course?
Daughter:
Greatest villain Gotham city was its city planner cuz I get folks need jobs but come on. Who zones many deadly toxic chemical factories in the middle of dense populated city. And also out for drain to go directly into the River system.
FRIEND: Women like a little danger.
ME: Okay.
[later on date]
HER: So where are we-
ME: *opening door of moving car* Get out. NOW.
A baby that is starting to wake up from a nap is like a solar eclipse. Whatever you do, do not look directly at it.
I think it’s weird how President Obama appointed George Clooney Secretary Of Handsome. #DNC
i don’t usually get political here and i’m about to get controversial and i’m sure i’ll lose a lot of followers over this but crinkle fries are the worst fry.
Sometimes I want to be really rich but I also know I’d buy a beluga whale as a pet and get in the bad habit of hiring hit men too often so maybe it’s better.
If someone invites you to their large country house with lands, say thanks.
Because manors.
One of the benefits of eating healthier is that you never have to ask questions like, “Who ate my kale?”
Jesus: Behold my powers.
*walks onto water and falls in*[back in heaven]
God: HAHAHAHAHA
Angel: HAHAHAHA “behold my powers”
God: HAHAHAHA
[being strangled]
me: wait stop
murderer: what
me: did u wash your hands
When my youngest brother was little he was being bullied and went to my parents for help. They told him “Sticks and stones may break my bones” they then asked him to finish the phrase and he said “but chains and whips excite me” he seriously thought that was he second part.
Honk if you are possessed by the vengeful spirit of a goose
Jacob Marley: You’ll be visited by 3 gho—
Me: *already applying lipstick* Are they hot?
If I had to be a dominatrix (not appealing to me) I’d just be like, “Go stand in the corner. Do it!!” then play on my phone for the rest of the session.
Level of high: 7/10
I slept well. My eyebrows evidently tossed and turned.
So disappointed. Haven’t sold a single one of my “We Welcome Solicitors” signs on Etsy.
How disappointing is it that Han Solo didn’t name his son ‘Guitar’
LOAN OFFICER: Sign here…
ME: *signs*
LO: And, here.
ME: *signs*
LO: Down payment, please.
ME: Here you go.
LO: You want road hazard insurance?
ME: Yes, please.
LO: Sign here.
ME: *signs* Is that it?
LO: Yes, the barista will call your name when the order’s ready.
i got blood on my iphone the other day and before i could wipe it off siri made a slurpy noise and it was gone
My son was so sweet this morning. He took the garbage and recycling out without being asked, so I really think we’re turning a corner on this grouchy morning teen thing.
In unrelated news, my son asked for $20 right before he left for school.
My signature move is putting on my reading glasses when I don’t understand what the person in front of me is saying.
me: how can I impress my date
friend: take her to your favorite food place
me: ok
[later]
her: that’s was really nicemy mom: you’re welcome
A poster with a mugshot saying “Have you seen this man”
So I rang up and said No.
You have to do your bit for society .
lifehack: you don’t have to be a cicada to burrow underground and then emerge and start yelling
New poster I stuck up at my local train station. I’m looking forward to catching up with everyone.