If your partner keeps saying “we need to refine our packages” on their zoom you’re left with no option but to text “I’ll refine your package” causing him spray his coffee in front of everyone.
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Why does Mommy always say no?
Well Son, if Mommy said yes all the time you’d have 20 more siblings.
No one shot Rick Ross – when you’re that big you’re BOUND to be hit by a random stray bullet now and then
And The Bro saith unto them,
Follow me to the club,
and I will make you fishers of women.Bromans 4:19
It is crazy easy to buy a birthday cake.
Even if it is no one’s birthday.
They don’t even check.
I take great pride in the fact that I have told you “the stupidest thing you’ve ever heard” in more than one argument
hollywood loves making white people on tv eat chinese food directly from the container with chopsticks they can’t use so they just poke the food
[going to the moon]
Co-astronaut: and 3…2…1…take off!
Me: oh no
Co-astronaut: what
Me: I left my coffee on top of the rocket
[The Lost World: Jurassic Park]
Ian Malcolm: Where you’re going is the only place on Earth where the geese chase you
Me: This guy doesn’t know shit about geese.
Ace of Base and the Lords of Acid meet in a bar and neutralize each other
i like to buy frozen diced onions…gives me extra time to cry about other things while i cook
Sir, the children at the petting zoo are unhappy. They think our animals are lame
*stares off into distance*
We’re gonna need a bigger goat
Tell me again why was it necessary to dress as Snow White & bring a basket of eggs to the delivery?
remembering the time i crashed an oscar watching party with a handful of TV people in los feliz and brought a tres leches cake as my offering to have one of the actors stand up and declare it was “DAIRY” with a measure of disgust
Nobody likes the girl who brings the acoustic guitar guy to the party.
A new survey shows that 37% of people would let a bird poop on them for good luck. Which makes more sense than the other 63%, who are just in it for the experience.
My son just got braces and his mouth hurts too much for solid food so I made him a milkshake but he didn’t want it and then my husband said he’d drink it but then he didn’t end up wanting it either. So no, sadly my milkshake does NOT bring any boys to the yard.
Today, whilst out shopping, I tried on a beautiful jacket. It was the jacket of a customer trying on another jacket and now I can never go shopping again.
Losing weight in your 40’s: hahahahahahahahaha
Found a free bandaid at the pool.
I think it’s totally unfair that my dad is making me paint the porch with him today, even if it is my porch
I can claim not to have a best-loved child but one of my kids just said his first favorite thing is cleaning and his second favorite is reading so you know I am lying if I deny it
Husband: I’m going to take kids to do something fun today so you can relax.
Me: sounds awesome!
H: Will you get them ready for me?
I would describe the cologne on the guy who was just in the elevator with me as “all of it.”
Me: *describing criminal* Well he was kind of *muffled laughter* “sketchy”.
Police Sketch Artist: *sighs heavily* Get out.
A friend wants us to do something tonight and I asked her to name 5 things so I could say no to 4 of them.
Him: Are you free later?
Me: Nah, baby. I’m more expensive later.
Me: I can’t get this damn sports bra on!
Him:
Me:
Him: that’s a plastic produce bag
Me: I FOUND IT IN THE MELON SECTION!
Just walked past a bin man struggling to get a wheelie bin to connect to the bin lorry. He said “come on, you silly sod” to the bin. Struck me as very British. We talk to inanimate objects like they’re frustrating mates. I called my oven hob a “bloody idiot” yesterday.
Whenever a serial killer is caught, I always check my follower list to make sure you’re all still there.
[God naming things with his good friend Brent]
God: Shirts, but for your legs
Brent: Pants
God: Nice. Ok what about the sound of a dog breathing
Brent: Pants
God: You’re killing it today, Brent